Yes, I've gone completely insane.

I haven't thought about blogging in a long time, but it's also funny that it's only been a month. A month and 2 days, but who's counting?

Anyways...
My point is, I haven't thought about blogging in a long time, but it wasn't until today that I realized how much I need to blog. How much I desperately need to express myself in a way that isn't going to bother anyone, but also is letting me get things out.

I don't know what my deal is, but every few months I just get down. I get real low, so low that I could almost scrape the bottom. I don't show it, I don't let people know about it. It's poisoning me. Whatever "it" is, it's hurting me. It's letting me get to a point where I don't want to be. I don't know what causes this, I don't know how to prevent it, but it will usually last a week or two and then I'll be as good as new.  I'm sure lots of people go through this. Mild depression, blah blah. I don't want to call it that, because I don't WANT to be that. But honestly, I don't think it's that. Really, I feel as though there are two different people inside of me trying to pull me two separate ways, and when I realize I'm not making either one happy I freeze, break down and then I just simply don't give a shit. This all sounds crazy, I know. I'm rereading it, thinking, "What the hell, Katelan? You can't post this. You sound like a crazy person."
I do, don't I?
I'm just trying to explain to myself, while typing out my thoughts I'm just trying to explain exactly how I feel as best as I can. Maybe it's because I'm a gemini. Gemini being a twin, two-faced, etc. I don't really believe in all that astrological stuff, but is that possible? Is that why I feel this way? Some days all I want to do is just go go go, be exciting, be adventurous do everything all at once... and then other times all I want to do is just sit and do nothing. Most days that is the one that wins, because I'm a lazy fuck. Something that I absolutely hate, but it's just so easy to do nothing, isn't it? No. I don't want to sit and do nothing. I want to do so many things, but I'm so afraid. I'm afraid to do anything because I have weird anxieties, and I'm afraid to fail, I'm afraid how I'll look, I'm afraid that someone is better, I'm afraid that I might succeed. I'm just simply afraid.

What the heck is wrong with me?
Do other people go through this?
They have to.
I know they do.
I just hate being pulled in so many directions. Do this, do that. No, I can't. I wont do well. I'm afraid. FINE. Don't do it. Your loss.
It is my loss, isn't it? And then once I realize this, then that's when I freeze. Frozen, but full of thoughts.  That's when I realize that I'm not the person I want to be. Not even close. I would never want to meet me. I would never look up to a person like me. Not ever. And that's when I break down. I break down because all of my flaws pull me down, and outweigh the positives. They hold me so tightly, I can barely breath, I can barely think... And when I can't think clearly... that's when I don't give a fuck about anything. Not school, not work, not even myself. I lose it. I do the things I hate, because it's like a mechanism to torture myself. I let myself rot. I eat and I eat and I eat and I sit there dwelling in my mistakes, my faults, my sickness.
Whatever it is, it's poison. It hurts me.

Day 85: great.

Yuck. Why do I feel like poo?
Also, I want to get out of my house.
Can I just move? Why does money have to exist? Or why don't I have enough!

Day 84: ARFHfg df

Tomorrow is my last day of spring break and I work all day and the rest of the weekend. Can I get another one please? Or just can we jump to summer? 

I'm not ready to go back. This week was extremely lame.

So ready for a vacation. That's all I want to do. And work out a lot. And cook. And not stress out about school. 

I haven't worked out in two days. I don't like that at all. I'm an addict now. Maybe I should just get fit and become a personal trainer. What everyone else seems to do after getting fit. 

Dude, I turned the heater on and now it's blasting cold air. WTF? 

Someone changed it!!! NO!! 

It's cold out. UGh. get pretty and stop fucking with my allergies, weather! Please! 

Day 83: You know what?!

I'm kind of getting tired of posting every day. Mainly because I don't really ever do anything different, or because I forget and then I always half ass them when I write them.

I'm a little tired of that. I might just write up until 100 and then stop writing daily. I guess only post things when I actually have something to say. Which right now I really don't.

Although I did see 21 jump street. Go see that shit. Or get that movie for me when it comes out because it's funny. And the Vow while you're at it.

Meh. I'm done.

Day 82: I feel like...

...spring break is almost over, but it's only the second day. Why?
Probably because I have been sleeping in so late every day ruining each day. I need to stop this. Why do I do that anyways? It's so gross.
At least tomorrow I have a lot planned so I wont be waking up so late.

Gonna see Act of Valor tomorrow. That movie looks pretty kick ass. Just saying.

Also, I need to eat better. I work out like crazy, but haven't lost a single pound because I over eat everything. POO.

And I'm done.

Day 81: What happened to 80?

I forgot to post yesterday. But is that so bad? I mean, I say the same shit all the time.

On a sad note, The Walking Dead is over for the season. It was a very good season, so much drama and so much death. Loved it. Plus it's a show all about zombies. Who would have thought the comic book made into series would have lasted? I mean there's only so much you can do with zombies. But they manage.

ugh i slept for so long, but so tired.
So glad it's spring break!! Yeah baby, yeah.

Dad, I've called you. Where are you?! Makes me worried.

Day 79: Happy st. patty's day

You know what sucks? Not being able to enjoy st. patricks day. One because it's a drinking holiday and two because I have work at 6 in the morning tomorrow. Do you know how much that sucks? I haven't been able to go to sleep before like 3 so how the heck am I going to survive a 6 hour shift tomorrow?!
I thought working out tonight would make me really tired, but in fact I'm wide awake. That always happens. I should have thought of that.

On the bright side, I got new finger nail polish today. Don't judge my ugly hands, just look at how pretty the color is. It's called "Lets talk." How funny and stupid is that name?