Day 359: HALLOWEEN.

I'm tired and need to go to bed, but I will write all about it tomorrow! PROMISE!

Day 358: Stressed to the max

I have a french test tomorrow. Can't you tell I'm avoiding studying while I type this blog out right now?

I need to stop procrastinating. Like for real.

Why am I so lazy? I feel really productive at work and then I come home and I'm done. I want to be like that all day.

okay. this is short and pointless. I need to geta studying.

Day 357: Almost halloween.

and I got nothing to do.

Woo.

So glad my moms back though. I've missed them. It's been so lonely without them and the dogs always freak out.

I studied all day, so I don't really have much to blog about.

I did use FaceTime for the first time ever and let me tell you... That was freaking epic!!

So awesome!

Okay. I'm off. I'm getting annoyed with a certain someone.

Day 356: Haunting.

I remember a time when October used to be my favorite time of the year. It was the time of candy, scary movies, pumpkin carving, trick or treating, being with friends and family and enjoying the fall festivities. 

But now, I'm just haunted. I'm haunted by the girl I was a few years ago. All the pain and anger and hurt wrapped up into this girl who just couldn't take it anymore and I broke. I had fallen to my lowest point. 

I had reached a point in my life where I didn't want to be alive. 

Of course I got up, and could only go higher from where I was, and I did, but every time October, November rolls around I can't help but be reminded of that place I was in just a little while ago. I sink to a low place and mope around for a while pitying myself. Oh I have no friends, no one cares about me, I'm so useless in life, i'm so fat.. etc etc.

It's were my mind goes. 

Apart of me knows it's dumb, and I can't make it go away, but that's just how hauntings go. It's fitting. Go figure. 

Day 355: Would you like some cheese with that wine!

groggy, ughh. I slept for like 12 hours! Why? There is like a a huge swollen lymph node on my neck, and my head hurts. 

Today is going to be a sucky day. I just know it. I have so much to do, and no motivation or inspiration. 

Monday I have to sign up for classes. I'm hoping I can get Tuesday and Thursday classes. Reasons being, so I can save gas, and start focusing on myself. Theres been a lack of that.

Damn I have to work later. I'm so sick of retail.  Can't I have a more interesting job? No. 

Day 354: Memory lane

Since I got an iphone, I decided it was time to finally transfer my music to my phone... which meant I finally moved all my music from my imac to my macbook. I spent about an hour going through all of my music and damn... I have more songs unchecked than checked. 

It was weird going through all of my old music... it was like traveling back in time to when I first had a c.d. player to my very first ipod, Oswald, to my mini Oswald and now to my iphone. That's about 10 years of music. That's about 10 years of my life. 

You know how music correlates to memories? Well, I sure did go down memory lane tonight. It's funny about all the songs that stick around and the ones that go. It's funny because most of the songs that went... even though they used to be some of my absolute favorites, leave me with bad memories. I wasn't necessarily getting rid of my songs, but my memories. All the bad ones, all the stupid ones, all the ones that remind me a younger dumber me, and all the ones that need to go. 

Now I have so much room for more songs! For more memories! For more improvement! 

Day 353: Rotting brain

My brain feels like mush today. You want to know why? Because all I've done is sit on my butt and watch television. Not to mention I woke up at like 1. Great. It's going to be super fun going to bed tonight..I mean this morning. 

I hate days like this, because even though I know I have a lot to do, I still just sit and watch a lot of stupid stupid shows! After watching so much crap, I start to feel dumb. I don't know why I do this to myself?! 

How to get my crap together?! Or get some type of motivation going, I just don't know. 

Yuck. I'm tired of this blah feeling. I'm done. So done. 

Day 352: FOG

Dude, when I woke up I couldn't even see out of my window, it was so foggy. It was really eerie and kind of freaked me out.
Driving freaked me out even more, you could barely see and stupid people didn't even put their lights on. So dumb!

The fog also brought muggy weather. I hate muggy weather... makes me feel nasty and look nasty.

I wish I had clear skin, and no dark bags under my eyes, and no graying hear. I'm only 21! C'mon! Why am I dealing with this now!?

UGH.

Day 351: not quite super sick

I haven't been feeling very well lately. It's an odd feeling too, it's like i'm not quite sick. Or my body is trying to fight it off so then I'm fine. I don't know whats going on with my immune system, but as long as I don't get sick I'll be happy.

Fever, nauseousness, achey body, dizziness,  GO AWAY! Thank you.

Like i was telling you yesterday, my friend and I talked about our book club, but that's not all we talked about. We talked about her book and the critique I gave her. It was really nice, because even though I was telling her exactly what I thought, she really appreciated my critique. Not only that, but she wasn't mad at me and I actually was helpful.

Ugh. Nov. 4th I have my second short story due! I still don't have a story idea and thats not cool.

Day 350: Books!

It's so nice to have a friend who is just as interested in books as I am.
Finally I have a book club buddy!

We've decided on about 39 books including series. It's got all sorts of books jumbled into one and I freaking can't wait to start reading them.

Here's the list!

1.    The Help – Kathryn Stockett

2.    Water for Elephants – Sara Gruen

3.    Never Let Me Go – Kazuo Ishiguro

4.    Revolutionary Road – Richard Yates

5.    My Name is Memory – Ann Brashares

6.    One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Ken Kesey

7.    Killing Floor – Lee Child

8.    Cross Fire – James Patterson

9.    The Marriage Plot – Jeffrey Eugenides

10. The Mill River Recluse – Darcie Chan

11. Lethal – Sandra Brown

12.  The Death Cure – James Dashner

13. Bad Blood – John Sandford

14. Can You Keep A Secret? – Sophie Kinsella

15. Loose Girl – Kerry Cohen

16. Kill Me if You Can – James Patterson

17. Silence – Becca Fitzpatrick

18. Only His – Susan Mallery

19. The Confession – John Grisham

20.  Sarah’s Key – Tatiana de Rosnay

21.  The Night Circus – Eric Morgenstern

22.  Iron Lake – William Kent Krueger

23. Last Breath – Michael Prescott

24. Eve – Iris Johansen

25. Heat Rises – Richard Castle

26. Price and Prejudice – Jane Austen

27.  Wuthering Heights – Emily bronte

28. Jane Eyre – Charolette Brontee

29. The Legend of Sleepy Hallow – Irving

30. Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen

31. Something Borrowed

Series:

32. Twilight (4)

33. Harry Potter (7)

34. True Blood (11)

35. Dark Lover (10)

36. Hunger Games (3)

37.  Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (3)

38. Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles (10)

39.  Shiver Series (3)

Day 349: hmm

My eyes are being weird again... My tumors back! Well not really, but that's what i'm going to say.

I dont feel all that well and i need to go to bed early to drive to the airport.

Goodnight

Day 348: Where should I go?

Goodness gracious. It's already midterms for me. I feel like every year gets faster and faster! I wish time would just slow down... I'd like to enjoy my time here on earth thank you very much.

I feel like I have so much to do, but I really don't. I have to write a short story and a french test coming up, but that's it for awhile. I need to get a head start on that, but sometimes i'm just a little too burnt out on this whole school thing.

I want a long vacation to some place exotic, or anywhere new. I feel like I haven't actually gone on a real vacation since my cruise of '08.

My mom is going to Florida soon and I'm super jealous. I want to go, but unfortunately I can't because of school.

:( Boo.

Where should I go? I mean... if I could..

Day 347: quiet.

It's 7:49 and I haven't been on the computer all day. And I've been home all day. That's incredible! I never do that. Being on the computer for me is like breathing. I have to do it.

Instead I've been reading. Now I'm bored.

Have you ever read for so long, that you need like, I don't know, talk? A lot? Because that's how I feel.

I feel like I really haven't talked all day, or had a thought to myself. It's weird.

Mom and Ross are busy watching their TV show for the night, so I can't talk to them.
Boo.

I might go for a walk later. That might help maybe.

Day 346: Funk, Funk, Funk.

So, even though my critique is now done, I have to start working on my next story. oof. I don't even know how I can manage to create another story that will match my last one.

I better start thinking now, I suppose.

It's really hard though, because lately I haven't been feeling very happy. I'm not feeling depressed either, just kind of blah. Again, I'm tired of the same old stuff. It's like wake up, go to class, go home, work on school work, or work, get home, go back to sleep and do it all over again.

I just gotta find a way to get out of this funk, makes me feel so unmotivated to do anything... and aint that a vicious cycle?

Although, it was nice today, because the weather has dropped a few degrees! It's now fall! My favorite type of weather. Hope it stays like this for a while. It'd really like that!

Day 345: CRITIQUED!

I got critiqued today. After being nervous all day, it's finally over! And guess what?!

PEOPLE LIKED IT!

And they gave me awesome feedback!

oooh i'm hungry. I don't think I can fast.

Day 344: Weird.

You know what's weird? People my age getting engaged. Or married. Or having kids.

Especially when they are more immature than me. And I can be really immature. But, I guess that's just the way life is.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. It's about 6:00 p.m. and I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm thinking around 8 or 9 I'll go to sleep. I don't know what my deal is, but I can't sleep for more than a few hours before I wake up and fall in that in-between sleep.

Oh god, my critique is tomorrow. I need to finish critiquing the last two stories I read. I'm horrible at critiquing. I never know what to say because I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, because even though something may be bad someone still created it, and it's their baby. I don't want to critique a baby.

Holy crap, it's almost November. You know what that means? NaNoWriMo. NATIONALNOVEMBERWRITINGMONTH. The thing where I have to write a novel in a month. I'm actually pretty excited about this. Since my blog will kind of be ending, I'll have that to look forward to.

Alright. I've rambled enough tonight.

I'm off.

Later gators.

Day 343: Shop shop shop.

My mom and I went shopping today. We saved 300 dollars! We probably shouldn't have gone shopping, but we got so much stuff for such a good price. I'm excited to wear all the new stuff I got! 

I feel like I haven't gotten new clothes in so long. 

It's a nice thing to get new clothes. Makes me feel good about myself. Although, sometimes not so much. Still got lots of weight to lose. 

All day I have been thinking that it is Sunday and that I have to go to school tomorrow. But really it's Saturday! WOO. 

I still have one more day before my critique on Monday. 

Day 342: AHH

SUSAN G KOMAN RACE TOMORROW. GOTTA GO TO SLEEP.

Day 341: hmm

What a lazy lazy day. I mean really. Sat around and got caught up on all my shows, and boy am I tired. I didn't know sitting around doing nothing could make you so exhausted, but it is.

You know what, I'm super obsessed with Words with Friends. I just got an iphone (FINALLY) and of course I'm obsessed with all the old crazes like, angry birds, and words with friends. So now, i'm obsessed. PLAY ME.

I WANT TO PLAY and get my vocab in check.

BOOYAH.

Day 340: Rain and art. I miss it both

Well today wasn't a very productive day, but then again it was raining so thats okay, right?

I hope it rains tomorrow. It was so nice! Days like this make me miss Oregon. I miss rainy days. They make me so happy.

I also miss drawing. I've gotten a bit rusty. Of course I drew my 'best friend.' Her eyes are crooked. Eh.. I didn't really take my time on it though. Oh well.

Day 339: Switch to morning person

I really need to start working out again. I keep planning on waking up at 6 and going in the morning, but every time my alarm goes off early in the morning, I can't bring myself to wake up. I like sleep way too much apparently.
Or I just like to stay up way too late.

I so desperately want to be a morning person, why couldn't I get that gene?!

Also it would be nice for next Saturday because my 5k is then. Unfortunately, I wont be running it :(

I haven't trained for it, and I've been so busy lately I haven't made the time to go work out... or get up.

I need change.

Day 338: Creative critique

In creative writing class, we had to read 3 other students' stories and then once in class critique them. It was a long day.

Next week, is my critique. It makes me super nervous. Only three or four people have seen what I've written, so having an entire read it and then critique it freaks me out. Not that I don't like criticism, I just don't like all the attention on my story. It's weird.

I feel like the whole time, my face will be bright red.

I just hope they understand my story.

Day 337: study study study

Today it rained!!!!  Do you know how great that is?! I don't think I have ever been so excited for rain. It was real hard to get up for work though. Thankfully though work went by super fast, but I did have to work with my not so favorite manager. She's a very socially awkward lady, so working with her is hard because I can't tell when she is making jokes, and then I come off looking like an ass.

What should I be for Halloween?

I love halloween, but I never dress up.

Give me suggestions.
K thanks. Welp. I gotta go study.

Day 336: Meaningful

too much concern

Day 335: My butt hurts

I did a bunch of squats yesterday and I'm like superrrr sore. I can barely sit down, it hurts so much.

I have work later too, and i'm not looking forward to that.. I just hope I don't have to pick up a bunch of stuff, because I don't even think that I can.

Isn't it weird that I only have 30 more days to write everyday in my blog?

It hasn't felt like a year has gone by, but on the other hand it feels like years have gone by.

Anyways, i'm pooped. Gonna relax before work.

Day 334: Her Boys revised.

Her Boys

            Memories of growing up vanished, like her father holding her after a scary dream, when her mother pampered her with treats until her tummy was plump, her first job that taught her patience, her first kiss, her first everything. Gone. The moment she met Donny, their not so perfect wedding, the day she found out she would become a mother, her two beautiful boys and the day Donny died. Her brain tried to recollect her life, her knowledge, even who she was, but she couldn’t process anything because all that was left in her mind was silence. No thoughts, no memories, only the absence of sound and darkness.

             Pitch-black as the moonless night, without being able to see or think, she could feel the numbness creep over her body, unable to move her arms or legs she began to feel paralyzed. Until she could understand, she was alone, trapped in the dark, frozen in her own state of mind.  She needed to remember. She needed to know.

            Two little boys, with bright blonde hair, flickered in her mind, and the darkness turned to a soft gray and the thoughts that she had lost, slowly started to surface. Gradually she remembered her childhood, the life lessons her parents taught her, the first time she laid eyes on Donny, their not so perfect wedding and her two little bright blonde haired boys. Straining to remember more, she felt the vein on her head pulsate and throb and then realized if she just opened her eyes, she wouldn’t be in the dark anymore.

            An obtrusive light caused pain to rush to her head as Beth slowly opened her eyes. She could barely make out the scene in front of her, mainly because she’d been in the dark for so long and her eyes needed adjusting. Blurred silhouetted figures, moved about as if time stood still, each blur inching frame by frame.  There was a glowing orange haze encased around her. The smell of gasoline, burnt rubber, smoke and something she couldn’t place filled her nostrils.

            With every inhale, she felt a burning that started in her esophagus and continued deep within her chest causing her to breath heavily and gasp for more air. Out of habit, she licked her lips, but her mouth was dry. She felt constrained, almost claustrophobic because the air was thick with dark smoke. Her eyelids could barely stay open. They felt heavy and wet. She tried to put the pieces back into place, to remember what happened here, but nothing was coming together.

            Regaining her strength, Beth slightly moved her head, to get a sense of what transpired, causing a ripple of pain down her body. She cried out as the sharp spasm from her neck moved down her spine, and ended at her left leg. The fuzzy cloud that covered her eyes had slowly started to fade to where she could make out the objects that surrounded her. She looked down. Frozen, almost paralyzed, she saw blood. It hit her just like that, like the Chevy pick up truck that slammed into her Toyota and caused her car to go flying, that she had been in a horrible accident.             Beth’s eyes shot open. Panting and sweating, she could feel her heart pounding fast and hard inside her chest. She hadn’t had a nightmare that felt so unbelievably real in a long time. Maybe not ever, she thought. Reminding herself not to watch the nightly news before bed, she looked at the clock. 5:45 a.m. Sighing, she flipped the covers up over her and got out of bed.

            Walking to her bathroom, she flipped on the light and stared long and hard into the mirror. Every time Beth looked at her reflection, she looked as if she aged about 7 years. New wrinkles surfacing and more grays blending with her hazel hair. Dark circles formed under her eyes, bringing out the cool blue of what used to be her soft eyes. Now they looked hard and empty. After Donny died, Beth didn’t waste much time putting effort into her appearance. Tired of looking at herself, she looked away.

            Opening a drawer, she fished out a rubber band and wrapped it around her long hair making a bun before stepping into the shower. As the steam from the hot water filled the bathroom, the haze reminded her of her horrible dream. The last time she had ever felt that scared and alone was on the day of her husband’s death. Beth had been on her way home from work when she got the call that something happened to Donny. Immediately, she raced to the hospital and once she was inside, two doctors greeted her. They both looked at her with somber eyes, and Beth knew before they even had to tell her that her husband passed away.

            It had been three years since his death, but even now thinking about it caused her eyes to blur with tears. Wiping them away, she realized she had to not dwell in her self-pity, like she had the first few months after Donny had gone. What a mess she had been, she thought. The only thing that kept her going, were her two little boys, Joseph and Jacob. They were her saviors, the only ones who made her smile. She had to pull it together for them.

            Thinking of Joseph and Jacob made her smile. They had both taken after their father, looking just like him, with light blonde hair, big brown eyes and a crooked smile that melted anyone’s heart. Joseph, eight, was the oldest by two years. He was big for his age, also taking after his father, and lived to play sports. Beth made him a calendar for all his sporting activities and almost every single day is filled with an event.

            Jacob, on the other hand, is much smaller for his age, but his size doesn’t discourage him from trying to fit in with the bigger kids. He constantly pesters his older brother by copying everything he does, talking like him, dressing like him, eating what he eats, going where he goes, anything that has something to do with Joseph, Jacob is there. The one thing Jacob loves more than his bigger brother are animals. Beth cant count how many times Jacob has tried to sneak in some kind of animal that he’s found down by the creek or the schools playground. Last time, Jacob found a squirrel and called it Lisa, until he realized it was a boy and then changed it to Lisa George. Beth thought that was too funny, so she let him keep it, knowing if she left the door open Lisa George would find it’s way out.

            Giggling to herself, Beth climbed out of the shower feeling refreshed and clean knowing that the nightmare had washed away down the drain like the soap. Now her thoughts were replaced by happy memories of her boys. Throwing on some jeans and a sweatshirt, she was ready to take on the day. First, before her morning coffee, she needed to wake the boys up for school.

            Opening the door a sliver, she peaked inside her boys’ room. Joseph was curled up in a ball in the corner of his bed on the bottom bunk. The sheets were wrapped up so tight around him she didn’t know how he could breathe. Jacob was sprawled out on the top bunk. His legs and arms hanging slightly off the bed, and his sheets had obviously been kicked off because they were now on the ground. Lying snuggled up against him was his favorite stuffed animal, Simon, the dragon.

            Beth always loved watching them sleep, before she had to wake them up for school. The boys were only two years apart, but they were so opposite from each other. Even the way they slept portrayed how different they really are, Joseph being the perfectionist, who likes to stay neat and organized and Jacob the carefree soul, both two unique individuals who both have huge hearts. She smiled at that thought and flipped on the light.

            “Time to get up!” Shaking each of her boys, they sluggishly rolled out of bed, rubbed their eyes and made their way towards the bathroom. Jacob barely moved, closing his eyes, practically sleeping while standing. Beth patted his bottom and nudged him along, and then went downstairs to cook breakfast.

             Stirring the pancake mix, Donny had popped into Beth’s mind. When he as alive, usually they would both be preparing breakfast. Donny would make the coffee and pancakes, Beth would fix the rest and all four of them would sit down and eat. Both the boys were little when Donny died, and thankfully they didn’t experience the loss like she had, but she knew as they aged it would get harder for them, and for her. She was already used to the question, “Tell me about daddy?”

            The first time they had asked was a year after his death. A year was a long time, and Beth knew it was hard for both of them to remember what their father was like. It was easy enough to explain, because the boys the resembled Donny and so much of him was etched in her brain like a tattoo. Every night before bed, like a tradition, they talked about Donny.

            The boys both loved hearing about him, because every time Beth talked about their father, their faces would light up and they would excitedly exchange glances with each other. They beamed of proud admiration and satisfaction. Beth would always start off the same way, “Your daddy was a cop.”

            “A really good cop!” Jacob would interrupt as he settled himself into his bed, kicking his sheets away from his body.

            “Yes, a very good cop. He was so very handsome too, just like the both of you.”

            “How else was he like me and Jacob, mom?” Joseph asked.

            “Well, he was really smart. He loved to read.”

            “I love to read!” Joseph said.

            “And you’re smart. You get that from daddy. He was also really good at sports. His favorite was football, just like yours Joseph.” Beth ran her fingers through Joseph’s hair, bent down and gave him a kiss on the forehead.

            “What about me, mommy? How was I like him?” Jacob asked.

            “He always made me laugh, he was so funny. You’re just like him because you always make me laugh, you silly boy.” Beth stepped on her tiptoes and gave Jacob a kiss.

            “Alright, my little boys, it’s time for bed.” As Beth turned to walk away, Joseph reached for his mom’s hand and asked, “How did daddy die?”

            Jacob perked up and looked at Beth with wondering eyes. “Yeah, mommy, how’d he die?”

            Beth sat in silence for a moment, trying to think of a version to tell her kids that didn’t sound so horrible, but the fact is, there wasn’t a way. Donny dying was horrible.

            “Daddy was a cop, so he fought with bad guys. One day, daddy was saving a woman from a guy who wanted to take her car. Daddy got shot in the heart, and the doctors couldn’t save him.”

            “Why couldn’t they save him?” Joseph asked.

            “The heart is a precious place, baby, and if something breaks it, it’s hard to fix.”

            “Your heart broke, mommy, but you fixed it.” Jacob said.

            Beth looked at both of her son’s with tears coming from her eyes. “No, babies, you boys did. I love you, now go to sleep.”

            The buzz of the timer averted her from her old memories back to cooking breakfast. She hadn’t been paying much attention to what she was doing, because she almost burnt her pancakes and forgot to take out the cinnamon rolls. This wasn’t her morning, Beth thought. Then again, most mornings haven’t been, especially ones reminding her of the loss of Donny.

            Beth could hear giggles coming from upstairs. Smiling, she thought of all the mornings they playfully fought over the sink, Joseph pushing Jacob out of the way since he was the ‘bigger kid,’ and Jacob running his hands under the faucet to splash Joseph. It was a common routine between the boys; she just hoped that they were also getting ready.

            About fifteen minutes later, Beth had finished packing their lunches, and finished up breakfast. The air smelled of bacon, cinnamon rolls and pancakes. Right on time, her boys came running down the steps, just as Beth had set down their plates. They were little guys, but they sure did have appetites like grown men. As they devoured their pancakes, Beth sipped on her coffee observing her boys. Jacob was sitting on his knees, shoving huge bites into his mouth, and chattering away. Beth couldn’t make out anything Jacob was saying, since his mouth was full. Across from Jacob, sat Joseph. He stared at Jacob for moment looking disgusted then resumed eating. Finishing first, like usual, he picked up his milk and chugged it. When he finished, he set the cup down and smiled, forgetting to wipe the milk moustache away from his upper lip.  Beth couldn’t help but laugh.

            “Finished?” Beth asked as she got up to put their plates away. Both the boys nodded. “Alright, well go get your backpacks and we’ll go.” Just as fast as they had vanished, they were back with their backpacks in tow. Joseph had his backpack wrapped around him, prepared and eager to go, while Jacob was hunched over checking out a bug that had crawled under the table. Scrunching her face, Beth realized she needed to do some cleaning. The poor house hadn’t been cleaned in awhile.

            As they stepped outside, Beth noticed the sky. Slightly overcast, and dreary. “Joseph did you pack the umbrella?” Joseph looked at his mother and nodded and then half a second later Jacob repeated Joseph. Beth couldn’t help but laugh, since there was only one umbrella and only Joseph had it. Jacob was still into his copying phase. “Okay, hurry, we don’t want to be late.”

            Every morning, they always walked to the bus stop. It wasn’t very far, and Beth always enjoyed seeing her boys off before she had to catch her own bus to work. Although, this morning the farther they walked, the darker the sky began to turn and made Beth a little anxious, like something more than a storm was coming.

            When they approached the bus stop, other parents and children were already there. She noticed that lately, they always stopped what they were doing and took a moment to stare at her. Some of the parents would pull their children closer to them, others would give her a confused look and the rest would stare at her with deep concern or pity. Most of them knew of Donny, but that had been years ago, so why the concern now?

            Moments later, the bus came into view and the boys raced towards the other children, excitedly waiting for the bus to reach their stop. She blew them a few kisses, waved and turned to walk home before the storm hit. Abruptly a woman, one of the other parents, grabbed her and pulled her aside.

            “I know what happened to you hasn’t been easy, God knows I wouldn’t know what to do with myself either if I lost both my husband and then my children, but can you please stop coming here in the mornings. You’re scaring my children, along with the other kids.” The woman squeezed her hand and finally walked away.

            Water began pouring, but Beth didn’t notice because she felt numb. Beth felt frozen, almost paralyzed. She looked down, remembering the orange haze, the silhouetted figures, the pounding in her head, the smoke filling her lungs and the blood. She remembered darkness, the hollow spot in her heart, the emptiness that washed over her and the silence. She closed her eyes and saw the two little limp bodies caressed in her arms. Her boys. 

Day 333: I can't wait until bed time.

ugh.

I'm so exhausted today and I have an 8 page short story due on Friday. I don't even think I can write anything now, nonetheless something creative. Tomorrow is going to be a long day, I just know it.

This whole weekend is going to be a long weekend too. I just know it. I have to study for a test on monday.. I work friday night, and then i'm sure I'll be up late on Friday. Sat I have to study and then later in the night i'm going to a birthday dinner. I don't really want to go because I'm a horrible friend, but more so is because I don't want to drive all the way out to Denton, buy food that I can't really afford and then go dancing when I just know that I'll have to work early in the morning on Sunday.

Thankfully after this week and weekend i can start to relax again.
MAN. I just cant wait til bedtime because i'm TIRED.

Day 332: It was okay

my day was okay. although i spent most of it looking at a computer screen and I don't really want to keep looking at one. I had to write a 1000 paper about the periodic table. Now that was a blast.

I don't ever want to talk about that again. Science and me are not friends. Glad there are people out there who like it, but all it does is hurt my brain.


So tired.

Reminder: Go to the store and get some vitamins. I need em.

Day 331: oops.

I making up today, by posting a shitty blog. YAY.

I've been busy though! SO SUSH.

Day 330: Ha, last night show inspired me.

Usually Wasn’t Tonight

            As usual, the time was 6:15 p.m. when Tina stepped outside her office, leaving to go home from work. This evening was much cooler than the previous nights, so she unfolded her coat that was hanging from her forearm and shrugged into the deliciously warm jacket before she crossed the street.

            She had walked a few blocks before stopping at some shops. Normally, she would go straight home, turn on What Not to Wear and head to bed, but tonight, it was Friday and she planned on staying out. She was tired of her daily routine and needed an outlet from her stressful job as chief financial officer.

            Stopping at her favorite clothing store, Tina was browsing the store when her dark blue eyes noticed a peculiar man staring at her. Or at least she thought he had been staring at her. Of course, he had been across the street, with his hands in his pockets looking in the direction of the store, also in the direction of some hot tourist spots in the city, but somehow she felt as if he had been staring at her.

            Looking back towards him, she saw only an empty spot where the man had stood. Shopping didn’t sound appealing to her anymore, so she decided it was time to head home. Leaving the shop, Tina noted that the sky was still an assortment of warm colors, but soon the sun would set and she didn’t want to be walking alone when it was dark.

            Only a few blocks away from her apartment, she sensed a presence. Without looking behind her, she knew the mysterious man was there, following her. Reminding herself to stay calm, she kept her normal pace. Once she arrived at her apartment, she unlocked the lobby door and walked inside.

            Usually she would head straight to her room, but tonight, she wanted to see if the man had followed her. Trying to stay hidden, and see out the window was hard to manage, especially when she was using a plant to cover her. Proud of her stealth skills, from where she stood, she thought no one would notice her.

            After a few minutes of nothing, and feeling like a total ass she climbed out of the plants and started to head towards the elevator, but something caught her eye. She ducked down and looked hard out the window. It was the man. He looked up at the building, as if looking at her window and then just as quick as he arrived, he left.

            Scrambling to her feet, unable to think of anything but the man, she started after him. She knew what she was doing was stupid, even insane because he was much larger than her, had obviously been following her for a reason and she didn’t know who he was. She didn’t care. She had to know.

            Sure, she might get raped or mugged or killed, but who would really miss her? She had no boyfriend, her mother died when she was younger and she didn’t have any sisters or brothers. She never knew her biological father because he was some dope who needed money and donated his sperm at a bank and since work kept her so busy, she barely had time to make friends. With that in mind, she forgot about her heart pounding hard in her chest, her sweaty palms, and even the churning that was making her stomach ache, she forgot about the fear that was telling her to turn around and go home. Instead her curiosity won. Picking up her pace a little, she moved closer to the man and she shouted, “Hey! Why the hell were you following me?”

            The man immediately stopped. So did Tina. Tina could see her own breath as she exhaled slowly, anticipating for him to turn around. She wasn’t afraid anymore. Nervous, and cold from the nights chill, but fear had slowly faded once those words flew from her mouth. She some how knew this man was not going to hurt her, just like she knew he was staring at her back at the store.

            Tina watched the man drop his shoulders, and slowly turn around and look at her. It was night now, but the city lights illuminated his face, displaying his features. He wasn’t as old as she thought, but his receding gray hairline, and wrinkles told her he was still much older than her. His dark blue eyes gazed back at her and still, he didn’t respond. Once again, she opened her mouth and demanded he tell her. Sweat beads were forming on his forehead and he started to shift from one foot to the other. Tina realized he was more nervous than her. His eyes left hers and looked towards the sky as if the answer was floating around up there.

            “I know this looks horrible.”

            “A little, yeah.” Tina nodded.

             “I’m not very courageous, so I could never get up the nerves to call you, or even approach you. I’m sorry for scaring you, but I just had to see how you were doing.”

            “Who are you?”

            The man lifted his hand as if to shake hers. “I’m Ethan Cole, your biological father.”

            Taken aback, dropping his hand, Tina look puzzled and then asked, “Sperm donor dad?”

            “Is that what your mom told you? Looks like we have a lot of catching up to do.”

            Usually Tina would run away from such accusation, but tonight she didn’t care. She wanted to get to know her dad. 

Day 329: So right now...

...I'm watching this show about this guy, who is a sperm donor and he has about 70 something kids. And he is going to travel across the country to meet them. I'm very intrigued. I'm not sure if this is a series or not, but I want to see more.

I don't understand how someone could go meet all these kids and not expect anything to happen afterwards. Whether its the kids or the dude someone is going to get hurt, or want something more from the experience of meeting.

I also think that there shouldn't be sperm banks... or at least sperm shouldn't be given away so easily and so frequently. My god. I mean, 70 something kids!? That's crazy. What if two of those kids were around the same age and fell in love... Incest much?  

I understand woman who want to have kids, but come on! There are so many kids who need adopting. I know also, that women want their own, but a man who has 70 kids and probably more... that's just not okay with me. Set a limit okay? Geeze.