Day 334: Her Boys revised.

Her Boys

            Memories of growing up vanished, like her father holding her after a scary dream, when her mother pampered her with treats until her tummy was plump, her first job that taught her patience, her first kiss, her first everything. Gone. The moment she met Donny, their not so perfect wedding, the day she found out she would become a mother, her two beautiful boys and the day Donny died. Her brain tried to recollect her life, her knowledge, even who she was, but she couldn’t process anything because all that was left in her mind was silence. No thoughts, no memories, only the absence of sound and darkness.

             Pitch-black as the moonless night, without being able to see or think, she could feel the numbness creep over her body, unable to move her arms or legs she began to feel paralyzed. Until she could understand, she was alone, trapped in the dark, frozen in her own state of mind.  She needed to remember. She needed to know.

            Two little boys, with bright blonde hair, flickered in her mind, and the darkness turned to a soft gray and the thoughts that she had lost, slowly started to surface. Gradually she remembered her childhood, the life lessons her parents taught her, the first time she laid eyes on Donny, their not so perfect wedding and her two little bright blonde haired boys. Straining to remember more, she felt the vein on her head pulsate and throb and then realized if she just opened her eyes, she wouldn’t be in the dark anymore.

            An obtrusive light caused pain to rush to her head as Beth slowly opened her eyes. She could barely make out the scene in front of her, mainly because she’d been in the dark for so long and her eyes needed adjusting. Blurred silhouetted figures, moved about as if time stood still, each blur inching frame by frame.  There was a glowing orange haze encased around her. The smell of gasoline, burnt rubber, smoke and something she couldn’t place filled her nostrils.

            With every inhale, she felt a burning that started in her esophagus and continued deep within her chest causing her to breath heavily and gasp for more air. Out of habit, she licked her lips, but her mouth was dry. She felt constrained, almost claustrophobic because the air was thick with dark smoke. Her eyelids could barely stay open. They felt heavy and wet. She tried to put the pieces back into place, to remember what happened here, but nothing was coming together.

            Regaining her strength, Beth slightly moved her head, to get a sense of what transpired, causing a ripple of pain down her body. She cried out as the sharp spasm from her neck moved down her spine, and ended at her left leg. The fuzzy cloud that covered her eyes had slowly started to fade to where she could make out the objects that surrounded her. She looked down. Frozen, almost paralyzed, she saw blood. It hit her just like that, like the Chevy pick up truck that slammed into her Toyota and caused her car to go flying, that she had been in a horrible accident.             Beth’s eyes shot open. Panting and sweating, she could feel her heart pounding fast and hard inside her chest. She hadn’t had a nightmare that felt so unbelievably real in a long time. Maybe not ever, she thought. Reminding herself not to watch the nightly news before bed, she looked at the clock. 5:45 a.m. Sighing, she flipped the covers up over her and got out of bed.

            Walking to her bathroom, she flipped on the light and stared long and hard into the mirror. Every time Beth looked at her reflection, she looked as if she aged about 7 years. New wrinkles surfacing and more grays blending with her hazel hair. Dark circles formed under her eyes, bringing out the cool blue of what used to be her soft eyes. Now they looked hard and empty. After Donny died, Beth didn’t waste much time putting effort into her appearance. Tired of looking at herself, she looked away.

            Opening a drawer, she fished out a rubber band and wrapped it around her long hair making a bun before stepping into the shower. As the steam from the hot water filled the bathroom, the haze reminded her of her horrible dream. The last time she had ever felt that scared and alone was on the day of her husband’s death. Beth had been on her way home from work when she got the call that something happened to Donny. Immediately, she raced to the hospital and once she was inside, two doctors greeted her. They both looked at her with somber eyes, and Beth knew before they even had to tell her that her husband passed away.

            It had been three years since his death, but even now thinking about it caused her eyes to blur with tears. Wiping them away, she realized she had to not dwell in her self-pity, like she had the first few months after Donny had gone. What a mess she had been, she thought. The only thing that kept her going, were her two little boys, Joseph and Jacob. They were her saviors, the only ones who made her smile. She had to pull it together for them.

            Thinking of Joseph and Jacob made her smile. They had both taken after their father, looking just like him, with light blonde hair, big brown eyes and a crooked smile that melted anyone’s heart. Joseph, eight, was the oldest by two years. He was big for his age, also taking after his father, and lived to play sports. Beth made him a calendar for all his sporting activities and almost every single day is filled with an event.

            Jacob, on the other hand, is much smaller for his age, but his size doesn’t discourage him from trying to fit in with the bigger kids. He constantly pesters his older brother by copying everything he does, talking like him, dressing like him, eating what he eats, going where he goes, anything that has something to do with Joseph, Jacob is there. The one thing Jacob loves more than his bigger brother are animals. Beth cant count how many times Jacob has tried to sneak in some kind of animal that he’s found down by the creek or the schools playground. Last time, Jacob found a squirrel and called it Lisa, until he realized it was a boy and then changed it to Lisa George. Beth thought that was too funny, so she let him keep it, knowing if she left the door open Lisa George would find it’s way out.

            Giggling to herself, Beth climbed out of the shower feeling refreshed and clean knowing that the nightmare had washed away down the drain like the soap. Now her thoughts were replaced by happy memories of her boys. Throwing on some jeans and a sweatshirt, she was ready to take on the day. First, before her morning coffee, she needed to wake the boys up for school.

            Opening the door a sliver, she peaked inside her boys’ room. Joseph was curled up in a ball in the corner of his bed on the bottom bunk. The sheets were wrapped up so tight around him she didn’t know how he could breathe. Jacob was sprawled out on the top bunk. His legs and arms hanging slightly off the bed, and his sheets had obviously been kicked off because they were now on the ground. Lying snuggled up against him was his favorite stuffed animal, Simon, the dragon.

            Beth always loved watching them sleep, before she had to wake them up for school. The boys were only two years apart, but they were so opposite from each other. Even the way they slept portrayed how different they really are, Joseph being the perfectionist, who likes to stay neat and organized and Jacob the carefree soul, both two unique individuals who both have huge hearts. She smiled at that thought and flipped on the light.

            “Time to get up!” Shaking each of her boys, they sluggishly rolled out of bed, rubbed their eyes and made their way towards the bathroom. Jacob barely moved, closing his eyes, practically sleeping while standing. Beth patted his bottom and nudged him along, and then went downstairs to cook breakfast.

             Stirring the pancake mix, Donny had popped into Beth’s mind. When he as alive, usually they would both be preparing breakfast. Donny would make the coffee and pancakes, Beth would fix the rest and all four of them would sit down and eat. Both the boys were little when Donny died, and thankfully they didn’t experience the loss like she had, but she knew as they aged it would get harder for them, and for her. She was already used to the question, “Tell me about daddy?”

            The first time they had asked was a year after his death. A year was a long time, and Beth knew it was hard for both of them to remember what their father was like. It was easy enough to explain, because the boys the resembled Donny and so much of him was etched in her brain like a tattoo. Every night before bed, like a tradition, they talked about Donny.

            The boys both loved hearing about him, because every time Beth talked about their father, their faces would light up and they would excitedly exchange glances with each other. They beamed of proud admiration and satisfaction. Beth would always start off the same way, “Your daddy was a cop.”

            “A really good cop!” Jacob would interrupt as he settled himself into his bed, kicking his sheets away from his body.

            “Yes, a very good cop. He was so very handsome too, just like the both of you.”

            “How else was he like me and Jacob, mom?” Joseph asked.

            “Well, he was really smart. He loved to read.”

            “I love to read!” Joseph said.

            “And you’re smart. You get that from daddy. He was also really good at sports. His favorite was football, just like yours Joseph.” Beth ran her fingers through Joseph’s hair, bent down and gave him a kiss on the forehead.

            “What about me, mommy? How was I like him?” Jacob asked.

            “He always made me laugh, he was so funny. You’re just like him because you always make me laugh, you silly boy.” Beth stepped on her tiptoes and gave Jacob a kiss.

            “Alright, my little boys, it’s time for bed.” As Beth turned to walk away, Joseph reached for his mom’s hand and asked, “How did daddy die?”

            Jacob perked up and looked at Beth with wondering eyes. “Yeah, mommy, how’d he die?”

            Beth sat in silence for a moment, trying to think of a version to tell her kids that didn’t sound so horrible, but the fact is, there wasn’t a way. Donny dying was horrible.

            “Daddy was a cop, so he fought with bad guys. One day, daddy was saving a woman from a guy who wanted to take her car. Daddy got shot in the heart, and the doctors couldn’t save him.”

            “Why couldn’t they save him?” Joseph asked.

            “The heart is a precious place, baby, and if something breaks it, it’s hard to fix.”

            “Your heart broke, mommy, but you fixed it.” Jacob said.

            Beth looked at both of her son’s with tears coming from her eyes. “No, babies, you boys did. I love you, now go to sleep.”

            The buzz of the timer averted her from her old memories back to cooking breakfast. She hadn’t been paying much attention to what she was doing, because she almost burnt her pancakes and forgot to take out the cinnamon rolls. This wasn’t her morning, Beth thought. Then again, most mornings haven’t been, especially ones reminding her of the loss of Donny.

            Beth could hear giggles coming from upstairs. Smiling, she thought of all the mornings they playfully fought over the sink, Joseph pushing Jacob out of the way since he was the ‘bigger kid,’ and Jacob running his hands under the faucet to splash Joseph. It was a common routine between the boys; she just hoped that they were also getting ready.

            About fifteen minutes later, Beth had finished packing their lunches, and finished up breakfast. The air smelled of bacon, cinnamon rolls and pancakes. Right on time, her boys came running down the steps, just as Beth had set down their plates. They were little guys, but they sure did have appetites like grown men. As they devoured their pancakes, Beth sipped on her coffee observing her boys. Jacob was sitting on his knees, shoving huge bites into his mouth, and chattering away. Beth couldn’t make out anything Jacob was saying, since his mouth was full. Across from Jacob, sat Joseph. He stared at Jacob for moment looking disgusted then resumed eating. Finishing first, like usual, he picked up his milk and chugged it. When he finished, he set the cup down and smiled, forgetting to wipe the milk moustache away from his upper lip.  Beth couldn’t help but laugh.

            “Finished?” Beth asked as she got up to put their plates away. Both the boys nodded. “Alright, well go get your backpacks and we’ll go.” Just as fast as they had vanished, they were back with their backpacks in tow. Joseph had his backpack wrapped around him, prepared and eager to go, while Jacob was hunched over checking out a bug that had crawled under the table. Scrunching her face, Beth realized she needed to do some cleaning. The poor house hadn’t been cleaned in awhile.

            As they stepped outside, Beth noticed the sky. Slightly overcast, and dreary. “Joseph did you pack the umbrella?” Joseph looked at his mother and nodded and then half a second later Jacob repeated Joseph. Beth couldn’t help but laugh, since there was only one umbrella and only Joseph had it. Jacob was still into his copying phase. “Okay, hurry, we don’t want to be late.”

            Every morning, they always walked to the bus stop. It wasn’t very far, and Beth always enjoyed seeing her boys off before she had to catch her own bus to work. Although, this morning the farther they walked, the darker the sky began to turn and made Beth a little anxious, like something more than a storm was coming.

            When they approached the bus stop, other parents and children were already there. She noticed that lately, they always stopped what they were doing and took a moment to stare at her. Some of the parents would pull their children closer to them, others would give her a confused look and the rest would stare at her with deep concern or pity. Most of them knew of Donny, but that had been years ago, so why the concern now?

            Moments later, the bus came into view and the boys raced towards the other children, excitedly waiting for the bus to reach their stop. She blew them a few kisses, waved and turned to walk home before the storm hit. Abruptly a woman, one of the other parents, grabbed her and pulled her aside.

            “I know what happened to you hasn’t been easy, God knows I wouldn’t know what to do with myself either if I lost both my husband and then my children, but can you please stop coming here in the mornings. You’re scaring my children, along with the other kids.” The woman squeezed her hand and finally walked away.

            Water began pouring, but Beth didn’t notice because she felt numb. Beth felt frozen, almost paralyzed. She looked down, remembering the orange haze, the silhouetted figures, the pounding in her head, the smoke filling her lungs and the blood. She remembered darkness, the hollow spot in her heart, the emptiness that washed over her and the silence. She closed her eyes and saw the two little limp bodies caressed in her arms. Her boys.