Day 31: Stress

Spring break, I'm going on a road trip. Even if it's not exactly where I want to go, I'm going to drive somewhere. I need to be on the road, enjoying life.
I stress out way too much. I don't know why I do, but it can be a little excessive. I should start meditating or something, or maybe I should buy a gun and go shooting. I just need something to relieve this stress. I need to enjoy life more.

Tonight I did. It felt great. Tomorrow will suck since I will be studying all day for French, but... Tonight wasn't full of anything but fun.

Random: You know what's a great show? Shameless. I'm pretty much in love with that show and that family. Is it odd that I envy that family? I think it's because even though they have so many problems, they still manage. They suck it up and deal with it. I love them, and want to be apart of that family.
The end.

Day 30: Tecnologicdreams

It's funny how I can always tell I'm in a funk by looking at my blogs. They are either really short, or really angry or both. My mood is probably this way because I've been sick and haven't really been out of my house since last thursday, which I don't like. So it makes sense. I've been too annoying, and I apologize. 

And hey, look. My keyboard is actually starting to work again. I honestly don't know why it was doing that last night. It might have been because I was drawing and something got caught underneath the key, or it really is starting to die. 

God, without my laptop my whole world would crumble. Everything I do revolves around this thing. School, networking (Even though I don't), entertainment, expressing my creativity, my life. You know. No big deal if this dies. Just kidding. 

I'm starting to realize that I shouldn't depend on technology so much because one of these day, It's all going to end. 

Lately I've been having really bad dreams, and I still can't sleep very well. I swear every time I wake up I'm more tired. I don't know how I used to sleep like a baby. I might be sleeping so bad because of the dreams. They aren't dreams about something scary, or creepy. They aren't really that bad, but it always takes my emotions and plays with them. It will always put me in a situation that I've already been in and dealt with, but when I'm in that dream it's like the first time and I feel all these same nasty emotions I've felt before. Failures, heart ache, pain, rage, self hatred. Where's the dream I had the other night? With hot young Brendan Fraser and Angelina Jolie? I want that back, damnit! 

Day 29: Poo

Poo. I'm horrible at making this blog interesting also, my laptop space bar is crappy rightnow.WHY? AHHH. I dont like this at all. WHYISEVERYTHING FALING ME?                               OMG seriously      .I can'twritelike thisit'slikeevery otheronewill work.    unless i punch itreally hard. OMG.

OSIRJGo;rwehjg;oiH iohwjrgadlv ew[-q530ubjnorlfmx chn <<

Day 28: I'm done.

I feel better. Not 100%, but better. Although, my eye is starting to get pink. I don't know if thats because I've been looking at the computer all day or what. Please just don't be pink eye! PLEASE! I'm really annoyed that I get so sickly. It makes me feel weak. I really hate feeling weak. Makes me feel less of a person... or really whiny. I need to stop being that way. 

So, for my short story class I have to write a short paragraph about which writing element makes the best short story. I have to choose between, plot, style, theme, point of view and character. It's really hard for me to pick one. I appreciate all of them, and they all make the story, so how can I choose just one? For such a little writing assignment, it's super hard. At least for me it is. 

I have work tomorrow. I like the days that I work. I feel like it will fit into my routine rather nicely. Of course I'm going to start hating tuesdays, thursdays and fridays, but oh well. I'm just glad now I'll know for sure which days I'll be working, rather than being totally clueless. 

Also, I think I'm done with Facebook. I don't know why, but the more I look at it the more it depresses me. So, I'll still have the account, but I wont be on it as much as I usually was. Maybe that's why it depresses me? Who knows? I'm just done with it. I'll probably check it on my phone here and there, but otherwise it's meh. I'm tired of social networks. They give me anxiety.

Also, I feel like the phrase "I'm done" is starting to show more and more. I don't know if whether that's a good or bad thing.

Oh well.

Day 27: GYM!!!

All I wanna do right now is go to the gym. That's all. I've gotten to the point again where I'm obsessed with the gym, but with my luck I CAN'T FREAKING GO. I don't think you realize how upsetting this is to me. 

I felt like I was really on a roll. WHY IMMUNE SYSTEM DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO DUMB?!!! 

I'm starting to feel better, but not fast enough. ERGH!!! 

To distract myself today, I'll just try and finish all of my homework. While I'm CONSTANTLY SNEEZING. 

I'm just so angry today because I'm feeling so sluggish. 

I guess having this is better than eating chicken mcnuggest for the past 15 years. Did you hear about that? Some teenager passed out while at work and when brought to the hospital they found out that she only eats chicken mcnuggets. She doesn't eat veggies or fruit. Now that's what I call bad parenting and stupid children. 

Day 26: Dazed and Confused

I noticed today that I started to get in that mood where I wanted to go to someone or something, like some kind of gravitational pull towards something, but I don't exactly know where it's going. I don't know how exactly to explain this mood, but it happens every so often. Basically I just feel really lost most of the day. Very dazed and confused like, but minus the alcohol and drugs. I'm aimlessly floating about the day, not really sure how I got from point A to point B. But somehow I got there. The only thing that I really notice about the day is this empty feeling. I don't know what my deal is. Maybe it's because I'm sick and I took some medicine. Or maybe it's because I'm craving something. The only problem is, what?

Day 25: Dreams.

What to write what to write?

Well my day was immensely boring. Sick. Homework. Laundry. So, since my day was pretty much a meh day, can I tell you about my wicked awesome dream?! OKAY!

Okay first off, I think I was with Waynes world crew. I don't know why, but I was traveling with them for some weird gig at this really fancy hotel. Apparently while we were on the way there, Wayne and Garth got into some kinds of trouble with the young and handsome Brendan Fraser.

 With this body

And this hair style. 

So anyways, Garth and Wayne do something to upset Brendan and they get in a fight and Brendan throws Wayne's snazzy guitar on the street and it breaks. So now we are screwed because he's the lead guitarist and we wont be able to play at this fancy hotel. Some how I tell the crew to head to the hotel and I will figure everything out. I end up talking with Brendan, and we fall in love. Weird, yes, but I'll take that ^^^^ up there. Not how he looks now. He looks kinda gross. But that's beside the point.
So now, I have to figure out how to get a new guitar and save the day.
Some how I'm at the hotel and there is this contest going on. The contest involves a game that is a mash up between golf and paint ball. And guess what? The winner gets a new fancy electric guitar! So of course I play. P.s. Dad, you're in this dream too and I'm competing against you and one of your friends. Also weird.
Now, I'm in this intense game of paintgolfball and we are all playing really well and upsetting guest by accidentally hitting them with paint. It's pretty colorful. Somehow I win. I get this pretty white electric guitar and I save the day. But unfortunately, I don't get to play because I'm covered in paint. (Apparently I could play)

After the awesome concert, I excuse myself from my lover, brendan and go up to my room. And this is the best part ever! Guess who is my neighbor? My girlfriend Angelina Jolie. She's stuck outside of her room, so she asks if she can use my phone to call someone who has her key. Of course I say yes, and then I invite her in for some tea? What am I like a English lesbian? Then we talked forever. We talked about her life and mine and all the things we had in common. Long discussions about politics and foreign affairs, aiding other countries, traveling, directing, music. It was a deep conversation. I'm not even kidding. We become best friends instantly.


Then I woke up.


The only good thing about being sick is having such crazy, creative, funny, exciting dreams. Or the worst. But either way, dreams are very fascinating. Maybe all of it actually meant something?

Day 24: Uvula and Vulva -- two different things.

Dude, I think I'm getting sick. Not only that, but I think it's uvulitis. Let me tell you why. 

Elongated uvula. 

That's what I have. 

It touches the back of my throat and my mouth feels extremely dry, as if I haven't had water in years. And, I've been feeling a little hot and cold. So of course, since the internet is my doctor, I think what I have is uvulitis. Or something like it. I think it's this because I have the symptoms, and it's usually caused from allergies and or people who have frequent sinus problems. DING DING DING! That's me! 

Also, I couldn't for the life of me figure out what the name for the dangly thing was in the back of your throat, so I went to google search trying to find it.  I stupidly typed vulva. Thanks dyslexia, thank you. That's definitely not a elongated UVULA! 

Anyways, I've had a long day, and I feel like poo. It's time for bed. Sucks to be sick after finally getting my work out schedule back on track. Perfect. 

Day 23: Done

I've finished my book! It was so freaking fantastic, but it cut off at the end. So now I have to wait and get the next one and finally finish the trilogy.
I just wanna know, but since this is my second week back, I just know things are going to get hectic :( Which means, not much time to read. Oh whatevs. I'll fit it in some how.

Also, I'm real tired. Every time I work out my nose runs. Not like a little, but as if I have a faucet in my nose and it's turned on to the highest setting. Then I googled it and it says that I have "Exercise-induced rhinitis" Get out of here. It's most likely caused from my allergies. GOD DAMN YOU ALLERGIES. I hate you! Anyways, It's 11 and I'm extremely tired. Also, my head hurts a lot. I hope it's just because I'm tired and not from getting sick. That would suck so much if I got sick.
   

Day 22: Again

I read a lot. Almost finished with my book. It's so good. It's amazing how intricate and detailed the story line is and yet everything fits together so perfectly. Crazy.

On a side note, I don't know what my deal is with guns and shooting them and what not, but I really really want to do that. Like soon. But I don't know how and I don't even know how I go about that to find out how I would do that. Does this make me weird? I've just always thought it would be really neat to go to the shooting range a couple times a month and just release some tension and shoot a gun. Yeah, it makes me weird.

That's really all I've got for you folks.

Day 21: OH EM GEE

This will be the lamest blog ever.

I read today. ALL day. BUT I have come up with my own plot line and I know exactly how my first novel will go. It will be fabulous.... once I start writing it. :) I'm tired.

Okay.
Bye.

Day 20: I'm a teacher.

I woke up late today, and by late I mean 9:30.

Ha, I like that. Off to becoming a morning person I hope.
Although it is like 12:30 in the morning, but that's my b.
I got all caught up in my book. Confession. Usually when I read a love story, I like to skim the parts until I get to the main male character because typically I fall in love with him and only care about him. Well, in this book, Lisbeth has gone missing and all I want right now is her to appear. So, I'll randomly take a peek at later pages to see if she is in them. Either I'm in love with her, or she is just so damn interesting that. I think it's both, but whatevs. It's a good book that's all I'm saying.

I didn't do a lot today. Like I said slept in. Then made a delicious breakfast. YES! ME! I made it! I made a breakfast burrito. It had eggs, cheese, bacon, tomatoes and salsa. DE LISH I was really proud of myself.

Also got to hang with Luke for a bit. Ross says I should become a teacher because I was trying to help Lukas spell and I was giving him quizzes. He's a pretty smart kid, and he loves learning, which is pretty awesome. I like being that cool aunt who helps with homework. :)

Well, I should go to bed now. Don't want to mess up my sleeping schedule.
By the way, I've realized that you can only get in a good workout if you are either extremely happy or really pissed off. Just saying.

Day 19: I wish this was a Hiaku

My lips are so chapped. :( 

 Also, I'm pooped. 

Today was a long one. 

Woke up at 8, went to the gym... which was a shit work out, but at least I went. 

Then got ready for school. 

Left. 

Had to find parking in a horrible parking lot. I seriously hate it. I have to leave my house like an hour early just to get one. 

French. meh. I forgot every thing. That reminds me, I need to get notebooks and flashcards. 

Then I sat in a hall way for an hour reading The Girl Who Played With Fire. I forgot why I stopped reading. It's so good. 

Went to my Short Story class. Read Mr. Edgar Allan Poe. Kinda sad that I never appreciated him when I was younger. 

RACED to get home, so I could have a quick meal before work. 

Got home and had 5 minutes to eat.

Chatted with Lukas while I munched on my food. 

Gave him a hug and a kiss, then ran to my job. 

Worked. 

Got home and played some Socom with my brother and Dad. So fun. 

I quite enjoy days like these. 

Minus the work :) 

Now, I'm hopping in bed to read.

*Shame on us

Doomed from the start 

May God have mercy 

On our dirty little hearts.*

Day 18: WoOP

ERGH. My account is being all funky. 

Now I'm super exhausted, but not that tired. That's such a tease. Why does my body do this to me? 

I have a big zit on my face. It's been there forever. 

Anyways, let me tell you about my day. 

I got up around 8ish, watched the Golden Globes after making some waffles and bacon... Which I burned both. :( I'm not good at cooking. For some reason I usually avoid watching the Golden Globes, or any award shows, but for some reason I recorded it on Sunday and watched it today. Now all I want to do is work on a movie and be nominated and sit at those snazzy tables and get drunk while talking to some of the best actors and actresses.

Or, after I watched the Golden Globes, I watched planet earth and I decided that I would much rather go around the world filming earth and every living organism on it. So beautiful, and magnificent. 

While I was watching these shows, I worked on my french homework. 

Then I cleaned up my room, like I said I was. 

I noticed that I've been sleeping on a bed that's been crooked. Apparently one of the cheap risers snapped in half a while ago when one of my friends jumped on my bed. Thanks, friend. So, I had to ghetto it up and put some paper towels under it so it would be straight. Maybe I'll actually be able to sleep tonight and wake up and feel good! 

After I did all that, I went to the gym. I went for a good two hours! Oh yeah. But my hip kinda hurts. Oh well. 

Then came home and played video games with my pa. 

Such a nice and relaxing day. 

Tomorrow is going to blow though. School all day and then I have to head to work straight after. Ugh. work. I hate it. Yes, I know. Better than flipping burgers, but sometimes thinking of that just isn't enough. 

Welp, I gotta read a short short story. Night. 

Day 17: I can't spell Government right the first time.

First day of classes.... let the stress begin. But I'm glad to be learning again. I feel like my brain has been rotting.
Boy, my bedroom is messy. I'm gonna clean it tomorrow. I would do it right now, but I didn't get a lot of sleep last night and then woke up early and worked. Now I'm exhausted. Knowing my immune system, if I don't get enough sleep I get sick, so lets hope I wont be getting sick anytime soon.

Random, but I'm obsessed with a song by Lady Gaga called Government Hooker. Don't know why. I think it's because it reminds me of an 80s song. I just don't know which though... What do you think it sounds like?



Welp, I'm tired. I'm gonna get ready for bed and peace out. :)

Day 16: Happy birthday dad!

Dad, I hope you had a good birthday. Wish that I could have been there to celebrate. I love you.

Tomorrow is school! So excited, but kinda not. So excited because It'll get me on a routine again. Then again I'm not looking forward to the stress. And more gray hair!!!! I think I have enough of that.

I just hope tomorrow goes smoothly. I also hope I like my classes. That reminds me, I'll need to set a reminder to make an appointment to talk with my advisor, because I need a little clarity in my life.

Also, starting tomorrow is my morning wake up and work out routine. I need someone to keep me in check, so if you read this please ask me if I've been going. I hope to go monday through friday. Since I don't have school on Tuesday and Thursday, I think that will be my aerobic/weight day, so I'll try and stay there longer. UGGH I alway say that and never do, but I can't keep letting myself down anymore!
Don't let me do that either!! Okay?

Alright, before I talk more and more about how I just talk about weight loss and never do it I'll shut up now.

Tomorrow is school and I gotta get ready for bed soon.
Tell ya about my day tomorrow!

Day 15: Some Pet Peeves

Going out to eat and then to a hockey game tonight. That's about the only thing exciting going on for me today.

School starts in one more day for me! : ) so excited. I can't wait to have hours worth of homework. And I'm not being sarcastic. When I have nothing to do, I get super lazy and I hate that.

Want to know a pet peeve of mine? It really bothers me when I'm talking to someone and they are telling me a story and then they say, "I was with so and so [Enter story about how they know said person] and we blah" It really bothers me when people explain who this person is when clearly, I know. I know for many reasons...

1. I know because I listen to you. 
2. I know because you've told me about them.
3. I know because you are either really close to them, or they are mentioned often in your stories. 
4. Lastly, I know because I'm your friend and not only do I listen to your stories, I'm interested... so of course I know who so and so is. You don't have to explain this to me every time you tell me a story about them. 

I get annoyed because it's like you can't remember who you've told this story to, and you don't care... you just want to share the story. Usually when I have conversations with people it's because I want to converse with them... I'm interested in them and I also want them to be interested in me. 

If I really don't know who you are talking about I'll ask. Or if I've forgotten, I'll ask. Otherwise, if your telling a story and you have to stop and tell me how you know them, when I already know who you are talking about or ESPECIALLY if I've met them, just stop because I don't care anymore. 

The opposite gets on my nerves too. 

Like for instance, if you have never mentioned a person before to me and then you say "We went to the mall." and I'm like, "who is We?" And then, they look at me like I'm stupid and say, "so and so." When I have never heard so and so mentioned before in my life I then say, "Who is that?" And then they say, "my friend." Well no shit it's your friend, since you hung out, but WHO the hell is so and so? 

It's hard for me to know who you're talking about if you look at me like I should know this person when you've told me nothing about them... so don't get frustrated at me from your lack of information. 

I'm sure I've done this before, but I honestly try not to. If I'm telling a story and you don't know the person I try to tell it like you know them too. 

Day 14: Poohie!

I'm so poohie on the guitar. I practiced a little more tonight, and chords are so hard to do for my stiff fingers. They can't really stretch that far. Dad, how do you do it? Teach me your ways! Also, if you hear chords, do you know how to play them? 

This is my second day waking before the sun comes up. I kind of love it. Because in the mornings I have all this time and I'm more productive than I am at nights. I hope it sticks. 

I got a picture of the boy I sponsor. He's so precious. I love when I get pictures and letters from him. In April he'll be 11! Geez. 

Welp, I didn't do much today, again so I'll end it here. 

P.s. What should I draw next? 

Day 13: Friday the 13th

Okay, so as of now, I think I'm out of my funk. Must be because it's Friday the 13th. Something about this day always seems to switch my moods from bad to good.

Also because I actually woke up in the morning rather than late at night. I got up at 5:30 bitches! Now, I'm just trying to stay up until 10 and then I'm going back to sleep and finally getting on a normal schedule! Holla.

While I was up early early in the morning, I had time to kill. So I drew another picture. BP. I suck at lips. His kind of look like monkey lips, but oh well.
After that, I browsed the interwebs, and decided I'm going to make a tumblr. I think for my weight loss. I'm obsessed with other peoples' tumblrs, so why not make my own? Plus, I get tired of spilling my beans here about my weight, when no one really cares except for me. Having it's own place for that works perfectly.

It's almost 6, and my eyes are heavy. Of course, once 10 rolls around I'll probably be wide awake. God, I hope not.

My mom got the relaxer hair product. We tried it today. In about an hour I'm going to take my final shower of the day and see if it worked. I kind of doubt it will, but if it does, then awesome. By the way, I'm not showering for another 4 days since that's how many showers I have had today. Too many!
Oh also, I have lots of gray hair. Thanks mom, for telling everyone you know! It keeps 'em coming.

Day 12: Drawing all night.

Whilst trying to stay up all night again, I decided to watch one of my favorite movies and draw.

Yes, I know I'm obsessed with Angie, but oh well. She's fun to draw because she has such challenging features. Like her lips. I didn't do them very well, but I'm getting better. Let's see if I can get my sleeping schedule back on track?

Day 11: I'll be 50 by the time I graduate.

While I was looking at school books, I started to look at where my Gpa is and what I need it to be in order to even begin my major. Welp, looks like I'm going to be in school forever. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Why was I such a fuck up? Oh yeah, I was depressed and didn't care about anything at the time, so I let my grades slip along with everything else. Damn.

So, while I was looking to see how to raise my Gpa, I realized that I need to take at least 56 hours, and make straight A's while taking these hours in order to reach a a gpa that my major will accept.

I hate this. Mostly because I wont need the other classes! It's just wasted money, and that pisses me off. I just want to start taking my major and start growing up! I want to be done. I want to be able to move out, get a job, pay back my father little by little and do something that I actually like.

I'm done. No more ranting. It's only making me more frustrated. I'll talk to my adviser soon and hopefully I can figure something out. I could take the easy way out and major in English, but what will that do? Looks like I better write a best seller now, eh?

P.s. My computer is crapping out big time, so it looks like I'll need to move everything onto my hard drive. Boo. That'll take forever.

Day 10: Humble Pie

So, I thought if I stayed up all night, I'd be able to stay up all day and finally get my sleeping schedule back on track... but instead I stayed up until 6:30, woke up at 7:30 and crawled back into bed until hmm.. 2 in the afternoon. I need to invest in some large sleeping pills or something. 

In the wee hours of the morning, I watched this movie called Humble Pie. It's about this fat guy who lives with his dysfunctional mother and sister. Throughout the movie we learn that he's a very insecure, lonely, guy who just wants friends. Along the way, he decides he wants to be an actor, and his acting mentor uses him just like his so called "friends." It's a dark comedy, so just when your on the verge of tears, something ridiculous happens and you are smirking. But, it is a very sad tale, and as I watched it, it just made me super mad. Mad because there are really people out there that are just so heartless and it makes me sick. Anyways, I'm glad I watched it, but I wouldn't watch it again. 

Day 9: Today was a waste

Well, today was a waste. It was rainy, which I love that, but it was dark out and apparently I wanted to sleep in today. I didn't, but I did. Got up at 2. That's not acceptable. I hate when I do that. And then, I just played video games, watched youtube videos, rotted my brain while watching tv and munching on food that I shouldn't have munched on.

I don't like days like these. I don't mind lazy days, but what I really don't like is when days like these put me in a funk. Hopefully I will get out of it very soon. Maybe it's just the weather? Although, I love rainy days. I guess I'm just bored.

Ready for school to start. My books are going to be so cheap this semester! Win.
My eyes hurt. Why? They like sting. It's weird.

The office is on. I wish it was on all night, so I could stay up all night and watch them... otherwise I'm just going to stay up anyways doing nothing.

Day 8: different

A pictures worth a thousands word. Literally, but more like 100 words.

Day 7: Fun facts.

Want to learn a fun fact?

If each line of a 120 page 32 line note book represented a person... then it would take a full 911,458 notebooks to represent 7 billion people. At least I think that's right, but I'm not that great at math. Don't ask me why I wanted to figure that out.
That's a lot of notebooks.

OOHG. I ate way too much food today. I have a food baby. I hate those.
Tomorrow hitting the gym for like 2 hours. For Shore.

I got my scratch off map today. It's cool. The only problem is, i'm greedy and want to see EVERY part of the world. Seeing where I have been saddens me because it's so small compared to the nonscratched part.

Day 6: Dainty but not.

I think it's a thing for me to blog at like 2 in the morning. It's like I forget that I haven't written in my blog and then at like 2 i'm like OMG! I forgot! And then race to the computer to type this.

But then once I race to the computer I'm like, oh shit... I don't really know what to write.


I'm pretty convinced that some people only use me for convenience. I don't know why? Maybe because typically I try and be there for people... even after they don't want me... and they know I'm someone they can go to when no one else is there? Like a last resort or something? I don't know. Maybe I have this big "Hey, you lonely? You an asshole? Sure I'll be your friend." tattooed to my head.

Nope. I just looked in the mirror, I don't.

Also, this is random, but for once my hair is kinda long. I mean, sure it's dead, but it's LONG! I love long hair. Of course, when it's curly it looks pretty short, but when it's straight it actually goes past my shoulders for once. Like today while I was at the gym, I could feel it swishing back and fourth on my back. I like that feeling. I don't know why but it makes me feel more feminine. Usually I don't ever feel very feminine. I think because I'm tall, and my friends always make me the boy, I've always felt very obtuse and clumsy rather than dainty and graceful. I don't know. Just a thought.
Okay. I'm rambling.

I ate so much ribs tonight too. But my god, they were so effing amazing. Good job, mom. Delicious dinner tonight.

Day 5: Slutty lifetime channel

Dude, I'm bored. I'm ready for school. Not so much work, but school.

Also, I'm kind of sad that I never got contacted again about that editing job I applied for a few weeks ago. I knew I'd get my hopes up. Oh well. Back to retail for me... So sick of it, but like my dad said, Its better to work there than flipping burgers at burger king.

Have you ever noticed that the lifetime channel is like soft core porn? My mom is watching that right now and even though there was no skin revealed it was very risque. Like dude rubbing vajayjay risque.
See how I need to go to school? Or something, because I'm stuck here watching slutty lifetime channel.

I need to switch banks because mine sucks. Apparently since I transferred funds more than 6 times this month I wont be able to keep my savings account and gain interest. Which is ridiculous. It was the effing holidays so of course I'm going to switch funds from my savings to my checking so I wouldn't have to deal with bloody overdraft protections. So fucking gay.

Also, I need to get a credit card to build up my credit. Gotta grow up sometime.
Oh, I know! I can figure that stuff out the rest of this week!!
But for now, I'll finish watching the slutty lifetime channel.

Day 4: Nevermind

I feel like both my computers are crapping out on me. I do not like this. My laptop should be good for a few more years, so don't die on me now! I need you!

I learned a little more of the song Nevermind on the guitar today. That rocksmith game is so incredibly amazing. You really learn, and it sounds pretty decent and the music choices are great. Too bad it doesn't have classical gas! Ha.
The only bad thing are the calluses. Makes my fingers feel weird... or actually more lacking the feeling.

I worked out today too. Can't wait for my before after picture! WOOT.

Welp, today's a short one as for I didn't do much and my thoughts have subsided.
(Erica if you read that I did the welp exactly like you do)

Day 3: Shoot.

For the last few hours I have been feeling like I have forgotten something, and then I realize I forgot to post today! Not blogging for a couple of months is probably to blame. Oops. I remembered now.

Do you ever have those days where your brain is thinking so much it makes you physically exhausted? Well, I have kind of been feeling like that lately. I just have too much on my brain right now, and it keeps recycling in my head and just wont shut up. It's the most random things too. Some silly, some serious, some straight up dumb.

For instance, these are the thoughts that have been crowding my brain (and in no particular order):

• I want to go on vacation. Like a real vacation. Not to Vegas though, everyone goes to Vegas. It's not even that pretty. And for a person like me who doesn't like drinking, and sucks at gambling, Vegas just isn't a place for me. 
• I really need to get on a better sleeping schedule, because mine really sucks. I hate being a night owl. I have all this energy but I don't use it very productively. Also...it would be awesome to go to the gym now, but too bad mine closes at 11. 
• Speaking of the gym, I didn't go today, but I did go on a walk with a friend and didn't eat very much today... Does that count? I'll go tomorrow for 2 hours... how about that? Will I exhaust myself so much that I will get sick? Because I get sick a lot and I don't really want to deal with that. 
• I need glasses... At least I think. 
• I really love Lisbeth Salander. I don't want to keep reading my book because then it'll be finished, but I wanna know what happens. 
• Why am I a friend of convenience? Why do I always feel like I'm being used? 
• Also, how do people flip on a switch and pretend like you meant nothing in their life and you don't exist? Or maybe the question is... why can't I ever let someone go? 
• I'm really addicted to flossing... maybe I'll floss right now. 
• Peace corps? 
• I'm so close to knowing apart of a Nirvana song on the guitar. It's also addicting, but it hurts my wrist. I think I'm going to have major arthritis... is there anything I can do to prevent that? 
• Man, I don't want to get old and deal with more aches and pains. 
• I so want to be a before and after picture... GIVE ME SELF CONTROL PLEASE 
• I want to write a short novel... Could I do it? 

Those are just a few thoughts going around and around in my head. Just a few. 

Day 2: Satisfying my cravings

I'm going to embarrass myself now, but that's okay. That's what blogs are for. I'll share a secret with you that I don't typically talk about. Well actually I talk about it quite often, but I feel like most just don't take me seriously or approve. 

First, let me start off by talking about my recently new love for tattoos. When I was younger, I didn't like them at all. In fact, I hated them. I thought they were stupid regrets, ugly and not to mention painful. But for some reason, they started to grow on me. Not necessarily the tattoos themselves, but the idea that someone has something so powerful they want to convey that they painfully mark it on their body for all to see. 

I'm not talking about the ones where people wake up with a tattoo to their ass and pledge to never drink so much again. Or the little hearts that they get because they think it's cute. Basically the pointless ones. 

The ones I'm talking about are the ones that deeply and truly mean something. 

Now after all these years of hating, and not understanding them I've some how fallen in love with them. The meaningful ones that is.  And for a while now, I've been really considering getting one. Which people either don't take me seriously, or they (like I used to be) don't like them. 

The only problem is, if I ever get one, it would have to be important to me. It would have to mean something to me. Me?! the most indecisive person on the planet can't think of a single thing that I would remotely want to put on my body... 

Until today. 

Now here's the part that I usually don't share because I think it's stupid and I don't want people to judge me, but I really have found the perfect thing for me and because of that I'm not afraid to share it with anyone. You can judge me all you want, but I wont care because I've fallen in love with my perfect tattoo. 

Want to know what it is? It's quite simple. 

This: Kräva

Now you are probably thinking, what the hell is that? And how does that mean something to YOU? Well, listen to my story. 

It all started when I wanted the word determined, but it just didn't feel right. Now you're probably wondering why I wanted that word, aren't you? 

The reason I wanted the word determined is because I planned to get a tattoo after I lost weight, for motivational purposes and it was sorta meaningful. Plus I thought that would show that I could do it, that I was determined enough to lose weight, but it didn't sit well with me and I kind of lost myself and gave up. Later I changed it to hunger, because it dealt with food and desire at the same time. I thought if I lost the weight and got the word hunger then it would fit well because I desire so much to be fit, and now I would only be hungry for fitness. I liked that, but it still felt off. 

So the next thing I thought of was crave. I liked the way crave sounded more than hunger, and it meant basically the same thing. 

So... How did it change from crave to some other language? Why not just crave?  

It's Swedish, actually. 

I was actually researching the word crave and it comes from the word kräva. In Sweden it actually means to demand, require or crave. To embarrass myself even more, when I saw that it was Swedish, I instantly loved it. I think that's because one of my all time favorite characters (I read a lot) is Lisbeth Salander who is swedish. Sure, she's not real and she's had the most dysfunctional life ever and is a little bit weird, but she is a character that I look up to. Because of her strength, her independence and because, well, plain and simple she is a badass. I do believe that it really adds to my likeness for that tattoo, but she isn't the only reason I picked the swedish version over the english word because I like the way it looks and sounds. It also has this mysterious thing going, unless you speak croatian or slovak, because then you'd think it meant cow... but that kind of works in my favor too because I always think I look like a cow, so it'll be a reminder to never think that way again. ;)   

Anyways, the main reason I want the word kräva isn't just about me losing the weight, or the fact that it reminds me of Salander and her inspiration to give me strength and to become independent. 

It's more than that. 

I would only get it after I lose weight, because in a small sense it is my desire to be fit, but in the bigger sense, it's an exchange for the confusion that I've been making my whole life. An accomplishment to the realization that I haven't been craving food all this time, but life. I require... demand... desire... CRAVE something better for myself and the world that I live in. I crave for happiness and losing that weight, getting the courage to get a painful but meaningful tattoo is one step towards satisfying my cravings. 

Now... the only problem I have now is where I'd want it?! Ha. 

Day 1: Resolutions

resolution |ˌrezəˈloō sh ən|

noun

1 a firm decision to do or not to do something 

• the quality of being determined or resolute 

I'm back! And it's 2012! 

Hopefully you noticed the definition I placed at the beginning. It's going to be the theme of my blog post and what better way to start by making a new year's resolution list? 

• Blog EVERYDAY! :) (Also, while I'm at it. Not more Blah post. None. If I'm having a blah moment, I'll post a memory from sometime in my life, but no more "Blah, i don't know what to post, I'm tired, I'm hungry"...Well I might post the I'm hungry, but no BLAH posts) 
• Read all or at least half the books on my list 
• Write, write, write.  
• Work out 5 or 4 times out of the week for at least an hour
• Make A's or B's 
• Learn to play a few songs on my guitar 
• Learn some Spanish 
• Get on Facebook less (This'll be challenging) 

Now, it's my responsibility. I made the decision for the next year to commit. I'm determined that I wont fall off the bandwagon. This is my year... I mean since there's only 354 days until doomsday, might as well be selfish right? 

And if on December 22, and I'm still here, you can bet I'll be able to cross all of those things off my list. Well, maybe not the Facebook one, but we'll see.