Day 61: I need to go Grocery shopping!

It's so gorgeous outside. Spring is finally here. The older I get the faster time seems to move. I need it to slow down so I can enjoy days like these. Geeze.

You know what I'm excited about? I'm going to start cooking. I figured if I really want to get healthy, I have got to know what I'm putting in my body, and the only way to do that is to make it myself. Plus, i've always wanted to know how to cook, because I really suck.
I've got a few recipes I want to try. WOO excitement!

I need to go grocery shopping!

Day 60: Feeling better

I'm finally feeling better. Health wise at least. I still kind of feel blah, but that's okay.

Tomorrow IM GOING TO WORK OUT! I'm so excited. I feel like I'm going to go for like 3 hours just because I can.

Is that too much? Probably.
I probably should take it easy, but I really don't want to.

Anyways, thats just a quick update. I really have not much else going on.

Day 59: The battle

It's not the sickness that I hate the most. It's the battle inside my head that drives me insane. The battles is constantly going, and is never ending, but whenever I get sick, the battle intensifies. I don't know why this is, but it does intensify.

There are two of me fighting. The one I hate, and the one I so desperately want to be.

And every time I get sick, I get defeated, by myself. The one I hate lets me do all the bad things and feel the pain, the guilt and the hurt, but it doesn't let me remember what I've accomplished or done. It's not understanding, but demanding. It kicks me when I'm down, judges me, criticizes me, calls me names, gives me no worth.

It suffocates the me that I want to be.

Hopefully one day I can win.


Whoever survive this, 
only one of us can ride forever, 
so you and I cant ride together, 
can't live or cant die together, 
all we can do is collide together, 
so I skillfully apply the pressure, 
won't stop until I'm forever... one!

Day 58: Breathing Oscars.

I take a lot of things for granted. Like breathing for one. Yesterday everything was coming out, now I'm extremely stuffed up. I cannot wait to exercise. I've been really bad these past two days. Cookies, Mcdonalds, crap, crap, crap. That's probably what's making me more sick. No more complaining, Katelan. It could be so much worse! Okay?! Okay.

I'll be better soon, and then I'll work out harder than ever. I hate looking at the calendar I've made and seeing more black marks than red. But I've just started and the beginning is always rocky right?

How bout them oscars?

I wonder who is going to win? Is it weird that I never see the nominated movies? Ever. Maybe one day I will.

Edit:

Just saw my girlfriend on the red carpet, and I was blown away by how awesome she rocked that dress and how gorgeous she is. Can't we just be friends? Am I a little too obsessed? Possibly, but I just love everything that she's become.

Day 57: uguuugh

I didn't post yesterday. I forgot. Not only did I forget but I basically slept all day. Or I was at the doctor. They told me I have a sinus infection. Figures. That's probably why I was sick like a month ago, and it came back so fast. Because it was the SAME sickness. I fucking hate my sinuses. It messes me up. Not only do I feel like complete poo, but I can't exercise and I was once again doing so well. Oh well, I'll get it back. And this time I went to the doctor to get medicine, so hopefully I don't get sick next month. Jesus.


I'm just going to go die now from not sneezing and then feeling like I'm going to sneeze.

Day 55: uugh

Fuck this shit. I'm sick again. I was sick like what? 2 weeks ago. Awesome.

Day 54: Ew

Why is my house infested with mosquito eaters? THEY ARE EVERY WHERE. EWWW

It's like an invasion. I do not like it. One because they are annoying and two, I dont want to kill them, but I want them to be gone so then I'm just put into this big dilemma.

I need to switch banks and get a credit card. My bank just switched me over so I can't have a savings account. Does this mean that when I try to get my money, there will be complications? I hope not.

I need to do that soon.
I also need to buy a new computer.
And also, look into that kick boxing class my friend had suggested, because I've always wanted to do that.

Alright I need a shower because I haven't had one since yesterday morning and I've worked out twice. EWWW.

Day 53: This is how I feel today

Day 52: Bugs

Do you ever feel guilty after killing a bug? 

I always do. 

After I kill it I think, oh where did you come from? Do you have a family that depends on you? What is your purpose in this world and did I just mess something up? Like that one short story where the main character goes back in time and steps on a butterfly and from then on the world is all messed up. 

The last thing I think about is what if I were the bug? Minding my own business and something gigantic came out of nowhere and smashed me? I don't think I'd like that very much... but sometimes things just happen. Life is like that; we are all just bugs minding our own business, until something comes along and tries to smash us. 

Day 51: Freaky dreams

So since I was so exhausted I slept forever long. It felt good, but I really wanted to get a work out before I have work today. Oh well.

Anyways, I had the creepiest dream ever. Probably scarier than the last dream I wrote about on here.

It started off with me not in it for the longest time, which is weird. It also looked like it took place in the 70's or 80's because the houses, furniture, clothes looked like that kind of style. In the dream, I was following this man around as if I were a fly on the wall. He was rather scary looking and something about him seemed off. He was huge, like maybe 6 something or almost reaching 7 feet. He had dark shaggy hair, but his hairline was also receding. Or maybe the way it was parted made it look like that, I don't know. All I know is that his hair didn't cover much of his huge protruded forehead. Almost like a caveman. His eyebrows were so close to his eyes, it made them look beady and his jaw and cheeks were massive. He wasn't obese, but he was thick too and his arms and hands were covered with dark hair.

When I first saw him, he was in his bathroom pulling out his own teeth. He didn't have many to begin with, but now he had one less. He walked over to the sink and left it there and walked out of the room wiping his bloody mouth.

Then I guess it must have been days or weeks later because my dreamed jumped and he was cleaned up with no blood on his face and there was a young girl in his old brown living room. She was probably late teens early 20s where as he looked like he was in his 40s. She was offering him cookies or lemonade or something I have no idea she was there, but I knew that he was planning to kill her. Like a movie, my eyes kept zooming in on a bowl in the top right kitchen cabinet. The cabinet was made of wood and foggy class, so I could see figures but not what was inside. I did see that it was mostly empty, but there was this curious out of place bowl that sat inside. I knew he lied to her as he had excused himself to go to the kitchen and in that cabinet. When he opened it, I saw inside of it. There was the bowl. Full of hundreds of teeth. Not only that there were many different types of tools and knives lying on the shelf.

The knock on the door distracted me, as well as him and he slowly turned around to the door. He stalked over to the door and when he opened it a young guy answered and shouted towards the girl to run because this huge man was going to kill her. She started screaming and ran out. The caveman looked confused and he moved slow, but he went to his bedroom grabbed a shot gun and walked outside. The girl was completely gone, but the young guy was still outside waiting for authorities? Or to talk to the caveman? I'm not sure, but once he saw the caveman with a huge gun he took off running, only to be shot in the back. Then the caveman searched nervously for the girl.

Somehow the cops arrived and arrested him. The guy didn't die, but was in critical condition so he never had a chance to talk to the police. The cops figured he was mentally unstable and so the caveman went to an asylum. No one knew about the teeth that sat in the old kitchen cabinet, no one knew he'd killed many girls. They only thought he shot a boy in the back and was mentally challenged.

Later, much later my family and I were having some type of dinner, or something. I don't really know, but we were all together. The doorbell rang. Then all of a sudden there was this huge man who looked like a caveman in my house with blood all over him. He stumbled in and asked for food. We kept asking him was happened, but he never replied. Someone tried to call 911, but where ever we were, we couldn't get phone reception. Someone said he should stay with us and when we finally leave in the morning we'll take him to the hospital because after checking him, his wounds didn't look that bad. He was more exhausted than anything. I didn't remember that I was a fly in his house, but I did know something was off. So, I looked at my friend and told her that should she should sleep with me in the room that has a lock.

Than I woke up.

Day 50: tired.

Long day. It's one if those days where the alarm clock goes off and you just know you'll be counting down the hours until you can climb back into bed again and go to sleep.

Day 49: Major change

I had my meeting with my advisor this morning. We looked over my gpa, classes I can take, what I need to do to improve it, etc. The meeting was probably about 45 minutes. I changed majors. I changed it to English.
After I left my advisor's office, I walked to the parking lot and climbed into my car. I didn't start it right away. I just slumped in my seat and started crying. I cried because I'm a major failure. I should be graduating now, growing up, moving out, finding a job that I want to do.

I wanted to do RTVF so badly, but there is just no way. I fucked myself over. I'm the only person I can blame. There would be no way for me to finish anytime soon and after a certain number of hours I'd have to pay out of state tuition. I've already wasted enough money as is, no need to waste anymore.

But it's decided. I'm a English major. No more pity party on me, the failure.

Day 48: Weeeeiird

How do fingernails usually grow? Some people are rounded, right? And some people grow sqaure like? Why? That's so effing weird.
You know whats also weird? Actually it's more like stupid, but when I work out really hard and then eat a bunch of crap after. Why do I do that?

On a random note, I have two exams next tuesday. This weekend is going to be so fun. I have to do so well on my french test. So that means I need to stay away from distractions. AKA the computer. Therefore my next few blogs are going to be poop because I'm going to try as hard as possible to stay away from the internets.

WEIRD.

POOP.
I have a boring life!

Day 47: :( I love you forever

My computer broke. And I've decided for my next one I'm going to get a PC. It will just be cheaper and make things a little easier.

Also, I finally scheduled my meeting with my advisor.

Next on my list is getting a credit card and switching banks.

I worked out super hard tonight, and am really tired, so I'm going to bed.


RIP beautiful computer. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU... too soon for a whitney houston joke? Probably.

Day 46: yeah

So I've been thinking and talking with a friend about dance classes, but then she mentioned kickboxing. Now I've decided that I want to do kickboxing! Hell yeah I've always wanted to do that. I hope it's a decent price.
My stomach hurts because I ate too much. I probably shouldn't write anything too important because my dad doesn't even read these. Like now. Huh dad?

I'm tired.
Oh yeah, it's valentines.

Day 45: I'm cheating

I'm now addicted to Tumblr. Why did it take me so long to get one? I'm so glad I have one now!

Things I've Tumbled? Tumblred?

So, I made this countdown as a guide for me to follow and keep track of my fitness. Basically, make a countdown. I made mine that is a year, so I started at 365 and counted all the way down. I made sure that each row has 7 days, like a calender. I made it this way so that I can keep track of how many times I work out during the week. If I don’t work out then I gross it out in black if I do, then I cross it out with red. I plan to have 5 red crosses by the end of each week.

I highlighted in yellow where each month should start. Each month I plan on setting a short term goal down for myself (Which I also made a list of goals on the bottom). If I make that goal then I circle it and if I don’t then I will when I make the goal. 

At the bottom I wrote my goals. I started with my starting weight and counted down to my ultimate goal weight. Each one highlighted are my short term goals for the months to come. If I lose a pound and maintain it, then I will cross off each pound as I lose. 

Hope this keeps me on track! 

Also, lets not forget this one: 

After I had seen the Vow, I realized it was more than a love story, but really a way for a person to figure out who they are and what they really want and then once they do, they might find their soulmate. In this case, Paige did that twice. Lucky girl, its rare for some to even figure it out once. 

I'm addicted. 

P.s. I want to take dancing classes. Is that weird? 

Day 44: Random?

I love when I get projects at work because it makes it go by so much faster, plus I feel like I'm getting a little teeny tiny work out since I'm lifting and moving all of this crap. 

I worked most of the day, so other than the project I had to do at work, my day was pretty uneventful. 

I'm still Channing obsessed. I guess I can't really complain. My friend started writing her dreams down in a journal and I said I would too, so I started a few days ago and now I'm just full of dreams. It's kind of crazy. Guess which dream I started with? One with Channing Tatum in it. So yummy. I hope he's in more. 

So that 30 day WL thing, well it's kind of weird and the questions are dumb, so I think I'm going to have to pass on my 30 day challenge. Sigh. I love those. I need another one. Those things are fun. 

Oh dad, take a look at these. It's funny. 

Day 43: Things I've learned

Things I've learned last night...

• I now have two nicknames: Blue blue, and Baby Kate. 
• I randomly cry for no real reason. Hence why I got the nickname Baby Kate.
• I have a newfound obsession which is Channing Tatum. 
• I've been eating really poorly lately
• And I need to budget better 

Things I've learned today...

• The reason I love 30 day challenges is because it gives me something to look forward to and something to talk about. 

Segue way! 

Basically I'm starting a new 30 day challenge. But for weight because i'm also obsessed with weight loss, weight loss blogs, stories, before and after, healthy food, motivational pictures, sayings whatever, you name it, if it's about it I love it. My only problem is sticking to those so called things. So I'm gonna answer a question about weight loss in 30 days! Woo. LETS DO THIS. 

Day 42: Channing. Mmm

Going to see the vow tonight with Jenny! Super excited. Channing tatum is my new boyfriend. I watched a bunch of videos yesterday where he was being interviewed. He's just so precious! Okay. Enough of my boyfriend.
I hate my allergies. Makes my head hurt so much. Okay I'm going to go. This blog is lame.

Day 41: Oops

I forgot to post. Wow. I feel so ashamed.

Day 40: Dreaming again.

I can not believe how late I slept in today. Like 2:30? Maybe I woke up a little sooner than that, but not by much. Geeze, what's wrong with me? I did stay up really late yesterday, but still thats no excuse.
I had to insane dreams though. The first dream, I was with my friend Jenny and we were at some beach on a boardwalk type thing. We met up with some of her friends and an odd older lady. We walked out to an older, deserted carnival and went inside some creepy fun house. There they set up some table and chairs and candles. The older woman told everyone to sit in a circle. I had no idea, but my friend and I walked into a seance. Talk about freaky. All of a sudden things began to move, candles burned out, it got very cold. Of course, I was terrified and the older woman noticed. She kept shouting at me, "You are showing fear, the spirits and others are feeding off of this, they'll gravitate towards you!" Then her face changed from an average looking old woman to something I could never describe. It was the most terrifying thing I had ever seen. Then she shouted "Run!" and I woke up.
It doesn't sound that scary talking about it, but I woke up all sweaty and my heart was pounding. If it had been dark I probably wouldn't have been able to go back to sleep.
The second one, I don't really want to talk about because it's more private, but that kind of ruined my day for today. Oh well.
Dreams are a funny thing.

Now back to studying. Then the gym.

Day 39: CALL MY ADVISOR

Call my advisor, call my advisor, call my advisor, call my advisor, call my advisor.

Day 38: Putting myself out there.

You know, you tell me to put myself out there, but give me no tips on how. 

I don't really know how to do that, but I guess I'll try. 

You tell me to get out of my comfort zone, and go after what I want, but I think what I want and what you think I should want are two different things. Sometimes I feel like you just wish I were popular and maybe lived a different life. 

If you can't tell already, I don't like drinking... and a lot of people my age do. It's hard to click with people when I don't even have that in common. I'm a rare 21 year old. I'm very introverted. Sometimes people need to be with others and sometimes people just need to sit alone to collect themselves. The latter is me. I don't think you realize how much 'me' time I need, and I don't think you realize that it's okay. Don't pity me because I sit in my room and read, or write, or play video games. I enjoy those things. I may not be exciting, but do I have to be for you? Will you feel more proud if I have more friends?

I know you want me to be happy, but what you believe as happiness isn't the same as my definition of happiness. 

I want to become more independent and grow up, but I need help in that. Not gaining more friends. Help me grow up, so that I can get out of my comfort zone. Teach me how to budget, and pay bills and look for good deals on cars and most of all support my decisions. That's all I'm asking. And please stop telling me to put myself out there because it really just makes me feel like you're calling me a loser and a baby... I mean, I already put myself down enough as it is... I don't really need your help too. 

Well, I hope by writing this you can see that I tried to put myself out there. I was just being honest, and letting you know what I want. Unless this isn't what you meant?

Day 37: No hot water

It's funny that when I have no hot water, all I want to do is either take a nice bubble bath or long shower. It's like taunting me. Sucks I take the little things for granted. Well, now I know better.

You know what I miss? Liking someone. Having an actual crush. I feel like it's been a long time since I've had a legit one. I miss the feelings of butterflies and catching glimpses of that certain someone who has caught my eye. I mean I've liked people, but never to the extent that I miss. I don't know, I guess since Valentines is near this is what I think. I know, I'm lame.

Day 35: Red eye

I've been staring at the computer all day long which has made them look like I have pink eye or something. Pretty sure I'm straining my eyes, so I wont be on here much longer. I probably need to go to the eye doctor and get classes because that would probably help. One day.

Even though I've slept all day, I'm pretty tired. Probably because I've gotten too much sleep and have been lying around. I'm lazy, but oh well. I had a pretty busy week. I should be able to have one relaxing day.

Welp, I think I'm going to go take a bath, lay down and listen to some music. Maybe I can go to sleep and get my sleeping schedule back on track. Or I'll just try and think of how to write my essay.

later gator.

Day 34: I love Jenny

I left Jenny today.
I ate a lot pizza.
Sucked at legos.
I was "seducted."
I was intoxicated with life.
Now, I'm planning the road trip of a life time.

Day 33: Humans who have preferences.

Whoa. It feels like two days have passed since I've blogged, but nope. Just a day.
Today was so long.
Not sure if thats a good or bad thing.
Question: What ever happened to Dane Cook?

I had my french test today. There was so much writing involved, I'm pretty sure that I didn't do well because of it. :( Oh well. Now I know what to expect on the next test.

I got in a fight with a friend today. Pretty sure she was super pissed at me, but oh well.

Usually when people tell me their beliefs, I try and see where they are coming from. I try to put myself in their shoes and see through their eyes. I'm not very confrontational, but I honestly believe that I'm right and what she is saying is wrong. I'm sorry if you ever read this. I understand why you believe what you believe and it makes sense that you would believe that, but you are very closed minded for not even considering the other option.

What was the debate, you wonder? It's this:

Are gay people gay because they were born that way or are they gay because they choose to be gay?
Her answer: They choose it.
Mine: Born gay, straight, bi, asexual, whatever the fuck you want to fuck.

Her answer: She supports and loves her gay friends, and in a general, but to her being gay is a sin.
Mine: That's bullshit.

Anyways. It was a heated discussion. It's very obvious that as a straight person, I never really questioned my sexuality. I just knew that I liked boys when I was younger. Then I grew up, hormones happened, maturity happened and guess what? I still like boys...well men actually, but that's beside the point.
I didn't choose it, it just happened. Just like people who like the same sex, just like people who like both. It just happens. It isn't a choice. It's who we are. Humans, who have preferences.

I don't really believe that we as humans are 100% straight or gay. I think there is an enormous spectrum and we fall into categories. I do believe that as we get older, we choose our mates... whether that be male or female, but in our hearts and souls we know what feels right. So sure, I could try and get into a relationship with a woman, but would I really be happy? Would I really want to have a relationship with a woman and sleep with her? Probably not, because I prefer men. Ever since I could remember.

So no. Being gay is not a choice. It's who you are. A human being with a preference.

Day 32: Give me some of that

Aw I'm kind of sad that my days don't correlate with the date. (That rhymes tehe)
I wish it was Feb 32... then it would work. Oh well.

Why do I suck at sleeping? Either I sleep way too much, or not enough. What's my deal? When did I start to dread sleep? It's no fun I tell you. I stayed up so late last night just tossing and turning, probably only got about five hours of sleep and woke up 30 minutes before my alarm sounded. I miss the days when I would put my head on the pillow and just pass out. Where did that go?! I guess I don't exhaust myself out enough during the day.

Also, I had coffee for the first time in like a year? Maybe? Again, it didn't really wake me up. Just made my stomach hurt...Guess I'll stick to water and tea. No more Carmel Machchiatos for me...

I have a French test tomorrow, so looks like today is a study study study day with a hint of Massive Attack thrown in there to ease my mind. I'm rekindling my love with them. I some time obsess over lyrics. Like for instance one is fitting perfectly with me. This is how it goes: 

Only one of us can ride forever,
So you and I cant ride together,
Can't live or cant die together,
All we can do is collide together,
So I skillfully apply the pressure,
Won't stop until I'm forever... One!

This one I just like to sing: 

Tell us what it is dangerous
Friends and enemies I find it's contagerous
And they're spreading through your system like a virus
Yes the trouble in the end it makes you anxious

I was lookin' back to see if you were lookin back at me
To see me lookin back at you

And this one:

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word

Okay, I'm done for now.