Here's the deal, I'm completely exhausted with life, to the point where I have been about to cry on more than a few occasions daily. So everything about this post will be emotional, because well... that's just me right now.
I guess I'll start off with the weekend. I drove to San Antonio to visit Erica. We went to the rodeo and saw lots of farm animals, ate a jumbo corndog and saw pig races. The rodeo was fun.
The weekend was okay, though. I think I would have rather stayed home for a few reasons. One because I spent way too much money for just a short trip and I'm pretty broke. Also, I'm overwhelmed with school work. Another reason, I just didn't feel like I was wanted or I felt like I was way more excited than I should have been and my expectations were too high, but whatever. I'm home now.
Moving forward... Joe is here. I'm very conflicted towards the situation. When I first heard he was going to be here for a while, I was completely annoyed and frustrated. Last time he was here, I think I was about 14 and he scared me, so those memories of that period in my life came back. It's not just the time Joe was here, it's everything about my life at that time. I just didn't like it. I try to forget, I try to block those memories out... so of course when I heard Joe was coming, those memories resurfaced.
Joe finally arrived late in the evening, so I didn't get a chance to see him until the next day. I was heading to the gym (love the gym) and he was outside working on the yard. He'd been out there most of the day. When I saw him I gave him a friendly hello and asked how he was. It's such a hard moment to capture through words, but a lot of emotions were felt. I felt guilt from treating him so poorly, for being disgusted by him, I felt sad for Ross and Joe's situation, I felt happy that I was able to be comfortable around him, I felt proud of how hard he was working in the yard, I felt pity because of who he is. It's really awful how his life has turned out, and it pains me that when he looks at me, it's only for a brief moment because I'm sure he knows why he had to leave last time. He has the mentality of a preteen and so his emotions are just as sporadic as a lost boy. I just hope that his staying here will help him. I'm also glad that I'm more mature to handle it this time.
Through the past few weeks, I've realized that I rely on a lot of other people to make me happy. I'm finally realizing how wrong that can be. I'm tired of my bitter, angry, hurt emotions, and so for a while I think I'm going to be on my own. I depend on my friends, and recently, I just haven't felt better by being around them... quite the opposite actually. It's not their faults (although in some instances it has been) but mostly the fault has been mine. I'm just not happy with my life right now, and I can't depend on them to make it better. I also can't take out my aggression on them when they are having good times. It's not fair... so therefore, I'm backing off a little bit and taking time for myself. I'm taking the time to focus on my studies and to focus on my health. I get so caught up in everyone's emotions, I don't have time for my own and I think that may be why I'm on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.
So school is stressful. I'm still completely burnt out, but I feel that in almost all of my classes, I'm doing fairly well. There is one that makes me super nervous because I only have two grades in that class. Lots of pressure to write awesome papers, just don't know if I can. Just gotta take on thing at a time.
I've looked more into the peace corps. It's insanely hard to get in, which has made me a little less hopeful. I've been looking at other places to volunteer through the summer or once classes become less stressful. This summer I'd like to start working for Habitat for Humanity, and Big Brothers and Sisters. I've actually already applied for Big Brothers and Sisters. Also, I've been looking at Americorps as another place to volunteer. I wont be starting this until later, but I've checked a little bit of it out.
Like usual, I've been a slacker when it comes to fitness. But I have put some goals in mind that I really want, so that might push me forward... Plus exercise is such a good stress reliever. I'd really like to get a tattoo if I hit a certain goal weight. I drew one up the other night and this is it. This is what I want. I've finally decided 100% which might push me a little further. It's an ambigram that says I against I. That's always my biggest problem. I constantly have a war within myself and one day I just want to be able to battle the bad parts.
Well... now that I've randomly vented..it is time to start working on my paper.
Until next week!
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